Behind The Game MGS2
by Shade Wolf
Summary: The final episode in the series. Or is it...? Most likely. Please read and review!
1. The Auditions

Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid 2- SOns Of Liberty  
Part One  
  
Narrator: Welcome to the first part of a behind-the-scenes look at MGS2. In this first edition, we look at how most of the characters got their jobs, and what they even did at their auditions.  
  
(cut to a picture of Raiden)  
  
Narrator: Enter Raiden. After going through many years of acting school, he finally got his big break with this game. Here's his side of the story.  
  
(cut to Raiden and Snake sitting down in chairs)  
  
Raiden: Well, my boyfriend was reading the newspaper, when he slapped my ass and said, "Hey you! Here's a great job for you!" And then I went to the auditions, and to my surprise, Solid Snake himself was the interviewer. As soon as I walked in, he said, "Oh jesus, I can't believe Hal sent me one of those male stri-" and I quickly interuppted. After looking me over a couple of times, he said I got the job!  
  
Solid Snake: I only chose him because he looked so gay. I just thought all the ladies would go to me if the other main character was homosexual!  
  
Raiden: You're kidding me.  
  
Solid: Nope. Even Mario would have been a better action hero then you.  
  
(cut to a security camera view of the auditions lobby. Seen are Mario, Kirby, Jean Luc Cougar, Amanda Bynes and Ronin Syaoran)  
  
Mario: He shoulda choosea me!  
  
Kirby: And why the hell is that?  
  
Mario: 'Cause itsa me, Mario!  
  
(Snake pops his head out the door)  
  
Snake: Amanda please! (looks around) Wait a minute! You there!  
  
Ronin Syaoran: Me?!  
  
Snake: (cracks up laughing) Like ANYONE will hire you after Darkness Before The Fall! No, I want that gay looking albino!  
  
Raiden: (pops out from behind Jean) Me?!  
  
Snake: Yes you! Come in here right now! The rest of you can leave!  
  
(everyone starts to shuffle out)  
  
Mario: Aww...  
  
Kirby: Crap...  
  
Jean Luc Cougar: Grr...  
  
Amanda: Mah ha!  
  
Ronin Syaoran: God damn Darkness Before The Fall, ruined my career...  
  
(cut back to Snake and Raiden)  
  
Snake: Heh heh heh... stupid Syaoran.  
  
Raiden: So, if I hadn't come, who would you have chosen?  
  
Snake: Probably Jean Luc. He deserves redemption for Operation Winback.  
  
Narrator: But not everything was fun and games. Take the interview for Vamp as an example...  
  
(cut back to the auditions lobby. Snake pops his head out of door)  
  
Snake: Next plea... (notices corpses with slit throats all over the room. Blood is everywhere, and Vamp is standing in the middle of the room, cutting marks into his chest.) Umm, what happened here?  
  
Vamp: I need this job.  
  
Snake: You're hired!  
  
(cut back to Snake and Raiden)  
  
Snake: That was scary.  
  
Raiden: Wait a minute, show me those dead bodies again!  
  
(a close up of all the bodies is shown)  
  
Raiden: T.... Tony? TONY!!! (breaks down in tears)  
  
Snake: (to camera) Tony was his boyfriend.  
  
Narrator: But not everything was blood filled and blatently homosexual. Other things were simply idiotic.  
  
(cut to Ocelot auditions)  
  
Snake: Alright, whos next?  
  
(Lara Croft stands up)  
  
Lara: I am!  
  
Snake: Sorry, your breasts are to big. Stay for the Fortune and Olga auditions though. Next!  
  
(Revolver Ocelot stands up)  
  
Ocelot: Me!  
  
Snake: (yawns) Say the line!  
  
Ocelot: I am Shalashaska, also called Revolver Ocelot!  
  
Snake: Hmm... ok.  
  
Ocelot: Yuss! Suck on that, Tomb Raider!  
  
Lara: At least my breasts are supposed to be large, old man!  
  
Ocelot: Why you... (pulls out revolver and aims at Laras head)  
  
Lara: (aims her pistols at Ocelot) Try it and die!  
  
Ocelot: Wanna go out this Friday?  
  
Lara: Sure thing.  
  
(cut to Snake and Raiden)  
  
Raiden: I wish I was there to see her big guns! Ba boom ching! (falls on floor laughing) Hoo-boy... that was funny, huh Snake? Snake?  
  
(Snake is sitting next to a computer)  
  
Snake: (reading off screen) 'Arwens bedroom, XXX Hot elf action, see her Evenstar'... Booyah!  
  
Raiden: This is no time for elvish pornography, Snake! Unless there's some of Legolas...  
  
Snake: (looks at Raiden) Can you say 'Elvish 3-Way'? Arwen, Legolas and Elrond!  
  
Raiden: Oh yeah! (runs over)  
  
Narrator: Mmm... Evenstar... shit, am I on?! Ok... (rustles through script) Oh yes! Now then... (coughs) But not everything was about Lara Crofts big guns. Some was about fat people.  
  
(cut to Fatman auditions. Seen sitting are Fatman, Pavarotti, a sumo wrestler and Ronin Syaoran)  
  
Snake: Ok... (notices Ronin)  
  
Ronin: Hi. (grins)  
  
Snake: GET OUT OF HERE YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! (throws a grenade at Ronin)  
  
Ronin: (running out of area) You'll pay for this Darkness Before The Fall!  
  
Snake: Now then... (looks at Fatman) Say the line.  
  
Fatman: Laugh and grow fat!  
  
Snake: Don't call us, we'll call you. Pavarotti!  
  
Pavarotti: Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh aaaaaaaaaaaaand groooooooooooooooooooow.... faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!  
  
Snake: I like your style! Next! Mr.Ogishoni!  
  
Sumo Wrestler: (says some Japenese)  
  
Snake: Hmm... no. Pavarotti! Want the job?  
  
(Pavarotti explodes)  
  
Fatman: (throws detonater away) Uh, oops? Heh...  
  
Snake: I like your ruthlessness! You're hired!  
  
Fatman: Yay! (eats some cake)  
  
(cut to Snake and Raiden)  
  
Snake: Now THAT was some hardcore stuff.  
  
Raiden: I never knew that Legolas could bend like that.  
  
Snake: I was talking about the auditions.  
  
Raiden: So was I...  
  
Narrator: Genetic experiments! Wait a minute, wrong script. Ok, (coughs) But not everything was about fat people blowing up and blowing each other up. Some was about hot chicks in tight leather.  
  
(flash to Fortune auditions. Lara Croft, Fortune, Pamela Anderson, Leonard Nimoy and Ronin Syaoran are all standing around in that tight leather uniform Fortune wears in the game)  
  
Snake: (looks at Ronin)  
  
Ronin: (grins)  
  
Snake: Get out.  
  
Ronin: Fine! But I'm keeping the costume! (walks out) Goddamn Darkness Before The Fall...  
  
Snake: Alright... (sees Leonard Nimoy) What the?  
  
Leonard: Can I do my song?  
  
Snake: Fine...  
  
Leonard: Well he fought with the goblins!   
He battled a troll!!   
He riddled with Gollum!!!   
A magic ring he stole!!!!   
He was chased by wolves!!!!!   
Lost in the forest!!!!!!   
Escaped in a barrel from the elf-king's halls!!!!!!!   
Bilbo! Bilbo! Bilbo Baggins   
The bravest little hobbit of them all   
  
Snake: Would you please leave without a fuss?  
  
Leonard: Ok. (exits)  
  
Lara: Can we get the auditions over now, so I can get out of this tight leather and expose my warm, succulent breasts to the cool air they deserve.  
  
Snake: (look of ecstasy over his face) Oooooooooh...  
  
Fortune: Lets just get out of them here. (proceeds, along with the others, to take off their costumes, exposing their bare naked bodies to the world)  
  
Snake: Uuuuuh... (wet patch appears in pants)  
  
(cuts to Raiden and Snake)  
  
Raiden: That was arousing.  
  
Snake: I creamed my pants 10 times in 5 minutes.  
  
Raiden: Why did you choose Fortune again?  
  
Snake: Because the licked it all up.  
  
Raiden: Eww...  
  
Narrator: Can I get a copy of that tape? Thanks. Alright... But not everything was about sweet, juicy breasts... some was about wet shirts with no bra underneath, creating an outline of ripe, supple...  
  
(cut to Olga auditions. Seen are Olga, Lara Croft and Gollum)  
  
Snake: Now then, the wet t-shirt contest is over and Lara won. Time for the dialogue part of the audition. Gollum, you go first.  
  
Gollum: Hello Snake! I've comes to help you- kill the Snake- no, Snake is good to us, he likes us- nobody likes you!- I'm not listening to you- kill the Snake!- No- kill the Snake- Yeah okay- Kill the Snake!  
  
Snake: Isn't he adorable? Let's buy him a present!  
  
Lara Croft: Shouldn't I win the part?  
  
Snake: Not now! Look how happy Gollum is!  
  
Gollum: Mwhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!- Kill the Snake!- Mwhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!  
  
Olga: Do you not love my Russian accent?  
  
Snake: Fine, you win.  
  
Gollum: Yargh! (implodes)  
  
Lara Croft: That was unexpected.  
  
(cut to Raiden and Snake)  
  
Raiden: Hold on, hold on. So the cops KNEW the FBI was screwing them the entire time?!  
  
Snake: What the hell? There was nothing like that in the clip.  
  
Raiden: Well, when I am deprived of Legolas I make up my own reality.  
  
Snake: Here. (passes Raiden a scrapbook with 'Legolas Pics!' written on the front)  
  
Raiden: Yay!  
  
Narrator: But not everything was about wierd fantasy characters imploding. Some was about wierd guys who like having more then five limbs! Hee hee... I just made a penis joke! Hee hee hee hee, oh, roll the clip already!  
  
(cut to Solidus auditions. Seen are Solidus, Ronin Syaoran, Legolas and Lara Croft)  
  
Snake: Now then, it's time for the- (sees Ronin)  
  
Ronin: I get it. Bye! (turns and walks out) Screw you Darkness Before The Fall...  
  
Snake: Now then, we have to choose a good person to act out a conspiracy-believing freak of science! Any questions?!  
  
Legolas: Do Ents get morning wood?  
  
Ronin: Ba boom ching!  
  
Snake: Any other questions?!  
  
Solidus: (holds up a can of Dr.Pepper) Is Dr.Pepper a real doctor? Because I'm getting suspicious... I don't think he's qualified to be a soft drink.  
  
Snake: I need a drink...  
  
Legolas: Why is Lara here?  
  
Snake: Because her tits are huge, thats why! Now then... Octopus boy!  
  
Solidus: Mmmmyes?  
  
Snake: Do you want the part?  
  
Solidus: Allright.  
  
Lara: Noooooooooo!!! I missed my chance of aspiring to something more then being that big breasted chick young boys masturbate to while I crawl through vents so they can see my exposed cleavage and tight ass! Dammit! Oh well. I've always got Legolas.  
  
Legolas: Woot! (runs off with Lara)  
  
(cut to Snake and Raiden)  
  
Snake: (to Raiden) And thats why your mother and father did- Oops, we're back on.  
  
Raiden: My Legolas ran off with that slut Lara Croft! Waaah! Oh well, I've always got you... (Snake smiles) Legolas porn!  
  
Snake: Grr... is that it? Hold on, who else did we cast apart from Raiden, Fatman, Vamp-  
  
Narrator: We didn't do Emma's audition, you stupid fuck!  
  
Snake: Oh, yeah. (mumbles under breath)  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about morning wood and Dr.Pepper. Some was about finding the perfect cute chick to kill.  
  
(cut to Emma auditions. Seen are Lara Croft, Emma, Amanda Bynes and The Dark Lord Sauron)  
  
Snake: Now then, ladies and Maia, what are your qualifications?  
  
Lara Croft: Well, I've got huge jugs...  
  
Snake: Hold it right there! You're going to the top of my list!  
  
Emma: My turn?  
  
Snake: Knock yourself out, cutey.  
  
Emma: ^_^ Thanks! Now then, I'm especially cute, and have lacuquered chopsticks in my hair-  
  
Snake: Great! You're going to the top! Your turn Amanda.  
  
Amanda: Well, I've been on TV for many years and had my own television show-  
  
Snake: Thats great for you, sweetie! You're going straight to the bottom!  
  
Sauron: I will go next.  
  
Snake: Yeah, whatever floats your prophetical boat.  
  
Sauron: Your insolence has been noted! Now then, as my credentials I have forged the one ring... the one ring... TO RULE THEM ALL!!!  
  
Snake: Alright. After much thinking, I have decided that Emma gets the job!  
  
Lara: No!  
  
Sauron: No!  
  
Amanda: Ma ha!  
  
Emma: Yes! Now, pleasure me, Snake!  
  
Snake: Sorry, only Raiden can do that.  
  
Emma: He's gay, right?  
  
Snake: Yep.  
  
(cut back to Snake and Raiden)  
  
Snake: Thats it. YES!!! THANK GOD!!!  
  
Raiden: It's over?! Yay!  
  
Narrator: Yes... THIS episode is over! Next time on Behind The Game, we bring you the casts secret thoughts about each other.  
  
(cut to clip of next show)  
  
Raiden: Just between you and me, I think Solidus and Emma are, you know, intimate.  
  
Narrator: Thats next time on Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid 2- Sons Of Liberty. 


	2. Opinions Of Snake

Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid 2- Sons Of Liberty  
Part 2  
  
Narrator: Welcome to the second Episode of Behind The Game. In this edition, we show you how the characters in the game secretly felt about each other. First up, how everyone felt about Snake.  
  
(cut to everyone but Snake)  
  
Raiden: When I first met Snake, I thought he was at least in his fiftys. Turns out he's only 30 something.  
  
Emma: I noticed that too! Was it just me, or did it look like he'd been through hell many, many times?  
  
Otacon: Well, he was married to Meryl for a couple of years.  
  
Ocelot: (shudders) That would be scary. Why did they break up again?  
  
Solidus: (rubs his black eye) I think he might have said something wrong.  
  
Vamp: How did you get the black eye?  
  
Solidus: I was trying to get a plane flight to Pittsburgh for me and Liquid, and Lara Croft was selling the tickets. So I said "Two pickets to Tittsburgh" instead of "Two tickets to Pittsburgh".  
  
Vamp: Ouch.  
  
Otacon: Wait a minute! Thats what happened to Snake!  
  
Emma: Huh? (adjusts chopsticks in hair)  
  
Otacon: One morning, instead of saying "Good morning dear", he said "You've ruined my life you goddamn large assed succubus"  
  
Ronin Syaoran: Ba boom ching!  
  
(silence)  
  
Ronin: I'll go now... (walks away)  
  
Raiden: Snake smokes a lot!  
  
Ocelot: No shit.  
  
Raiden: He also drinks waaaaay to much.  
  
Fortune: Hey, Fatman, remember that night when you went to get him for his opening scene?  
  
Fatman: Ho ho ho!  
  
Fortune: No I'm not!  
  
Fatman: Roll the clip.  
  
(cut to Snake sprawled face up on a pool of vomit)  
  
Snake: Ugh...  
  
(enter Fatman)  
  
Fatman: Snake! You're on in 5 minutes!  
  
Snake: (drinks some whiskey) Slag off.  
  
Fatman: But Snake-  
  
Snake: I said SLAG OFF! (throws bottle at Fatman, who quickly runs away) Ah, back to my hallucinogenic dreams.  
  
(cut back to everyone but Snake)  
  
Raiden: Little did he know that he was slowly slipping away to the poison dream!  
  
(everyone stares at Raiden)  
  
Ocelot: Whatever. And remember that time when he went to McDonalds after that day?  
  
Emma: No.  
  
Ocelot: Quiet you! Roll the clip!  
  
Narrator: It isn't time yet!  
  
Ocelot: Why you...  
  
Fortune: (humming the tune from Sk8er Boi) Doo doo doo doo, hmm hmm hmm hmm, da da da da da da doo doo doo...  
  
Otacon: Now can we roll the clip?  
  
Narrator: Hmm... no.  
  
Raiden: Why not? (sniffs)  
  
Narrator: I don't feel like it.  
  
Ocelot: (holds up a postcard) Roll the clip or I read it.  
  
Narrator: You wouldn't dare!  
  
Ocelot: (coughs and starts reading) Dear Snoogle Boogie, I just wanted to thank you for that night of passion we shar-  
  
Narrator: Allright!  
  
(cut to Snake in McDonalds, surrounded by attendants. He himself is holding a USP and a deep fryer)  
  
Attendent 1: Hey you, give us our fryer!  
  
Snake: NEVER!!! (starts firing pistol while the attendents rush him)  
  
Attendent 2: (gets shot) Ugh! (collapses)  
  
Attendent 3: No! (rushes to help him)  
  
Attendant 2: He may take our lives... but he will never take... our fryer!  
  
Snake: (stops firing) Fryer? Damn, I wanted some fries!  
  
Attenent 2: To... to go?  
  
Snake: Yep. (passes him the fryer)  
  
Attendent 2: And here... you go. (passes him the fries)  
  
Snake: Thanks! (drinks some whiskey and walks out)  
  
Attendent 1: There goes the stupidest man I ever met.  
  
(cut back to everyone but Snake)  
  
Emma: Wait a minute! How did they film all this?!  
  
Ocelot: The producers had a Cypher follow everyone during the shooting of the game, just for this show.  
  
Raiden: My cats breath smells like cat food.  
  
(silence)  
  
Fatman: Hold on! (pulls out a cake) Who wants some?  
  
Fortune: Me!  
  
Pliskin: I'll have some. (everyone stares at him) What? Oh yeah, the entire "I can't be here as I'm really Snake in a disguise that anyone could see through if they had played the first part of the game" thing. (walks out)  
  
Otacon: He's drunk. On elvish porn.  
  
Raiden: Well, remember what Snake says about elvish porn! (looks up into the air and smiles)  
  
Emma: And what does he say?  
  
Narrator: But not everything was about non-sensical jokes to do with elvish porn. Some was about... wait a minute... a dental plan?!  
  
(cut to Snake argueing with Hideo Kojima with the Russian troops behind Snake)  
  
Hideo: I'm sorry Snake, but the deal was you get free whiskey, hookers and cigarettes in exchange for the entire cast not having a dental plan.  
  
Snake: But look at those Russian troops! They all have horrible tooth decay! (notices Russians glaring at him) No offence fellas.  
  
Hideo: Lets put it this way. You want delicous beer and hookers, and smokes that stunt your growth and give you tooth decay?  
  
Snake: Well... can I myself get a dental plan in exchange for the hookers?  
  
Hideo: Deal. (he and Snake shake hands)  
  
Russian Troop 1: Well, it's a fair deal.  
  
Russian Troop 2: Wait a minute! (steps forward to speak to Hideo) We get a dental plan, in exchange for (pulls out a VHS tape) this tape showing you and Yoji Shinkawa doing in a VERY comprimising situation.  
  
Hideo: (grabs tape and shoots it with his gun) Ha ha!  
  
Russian Troop 2: You think that was my only copy?  
  
Hideo: (shakes head) Fine. You gat your dental plan. (he and Russian shake hands)  
  
Russian Troop 2: Ha ha! That WAS my only copy!  
  
(cut back to everyone but Snake)  
  
Otacon: Dental plan?  
  
Emma: I saw the tape!  
  
Fortune: Really?! What was on it?  
  
Emma: Lets just say it involves classical music, robot dancing, a pile of cheese and a mouse costume.  
  
Ocelot: Hmm. Sounds interesting.  
  
Emma: It was.  
  
Fatman: Aren't we supposed to be talking about Snake and how we really felt about him.  
  
Fortune: I thought he was cool.  
  
Ocelot: Oh please.  
  
Raiden: What, you don't think he's cool?  
  
Ocelot: No, I think he's hot! (every stares in silence) Sorry, it kinda came out.  
  
Otacon: Speaking of things coming out...  
  
(cut to the scene where Snake and Raiden encounter Fortune)  
  
Fortune: (lands on ground, but her breast pops out from costume) Oops!  
  
Raiden: (blushes and turns away) I'll be going now. You coming Snake?  
  
Snake: Hey hey hey, Snake has gotta stay. Can't fight Metal Gears with a stiffy in the way.  
  
(cut back to everyone but Snake)  
  
Fortune: Didn't I order those tapes to be destroyed?  
  
Solidus: The Patriots held onto a copy.  
  
Otacon: For the last time, there are no Patriots!  
  
Solidus: Thats what the Patriots want you to think!  
  
Raiden: Ever wondered about if you went back in time and killed yourself, how could you exist to go back and kill yourself? (silence) Man, I gotta stop popping those pills Snake gave me.  
  
Ocelot: Yes. Yes you should.  
  
Narrator: But not everything was about black women breasts. Some was about marriage proposals.  
  
(cut to Snake talking to something off camera)  
  
Snake: Girl, I like your style. Will you be my lawfully something something? (drinks whiskey)  
  
OC Thing: Firstly, I'm a guy. Secondly, I'm never getting married, and finally (camera turns to reveal a seagull) I'M A SEAGUL!!!  
  
Snake: Girl, I know we're different. You're a smart babe, I'm a ruggedly handsome man-  
  
Seagull: I'm a FUCKING SEAGULL!  
  
Snake: Not so loud. (drinks whiskey) But there's something I have to tell you...  
  
Seagull: Hold on, how can I even talk to you?!  
  
Snake: (drinks whiskey) I'm pregnant with your baby.  
  
Seagull: Lay off the whiskey dude. You've had to much.  
  
Snake: (gets angry and pulls out pistol) I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! (shoots seagull, and it explodes in a puff of feathers) Oh god, what have I done?! (kneels down and cries over the feathers) DAMN YOUSE! DAMN YOUSE ALL TO HELL!!!  
  
(cut back to everyone but Snake)  
  
Ocelot: Poor man. He killed his one true love.  
  
Fortune: I pity da fool who kill their one true love.  
  
Otacon: (shakes his head) Just one sterotype after another...  
  
Fortune: (pulls out a ruler and whacks everyone over the head) Black rage! BLACK RAGE!!!  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about drunken seagull shooting. Some was about replacement characters.  
  
(cut to a guard walking down a hallway)  
  
Guard: (notices a magazine on the ground) Hmm... (bends over and looks, and see's that it's Miss Piggy porn) What the...?  
  
(a gun clicks behind the guards head)  
  
Voice: Freeze! Now turn around!  
  
(Guard turns around and sees Cookie Monster and Elmo)  
  
Cookie Monster: Give me da coooookies!  
  
Elmo: Elmo knows where you live!  
  
(cut back to everyone but Snake)  
  
Vamp: I killed Elmo and drank his muppet blood.  
  
Otacon: (laughs) Oh Vamp, you slay me!  
  
Vamp: I wish. (motions towards knife)  
  
Fortune: Vamp! Don't do it.  
  
Vamp: Yeah Queen.  
  
Ocelot: (Liquid possesses him) Mwahaha! I now host this body! Now I am free to annoy people with my horrible English accent and constant cries of 'Genetic Experiments!'  
  
Raiden: Want some cake?  
  
Liquid Ocelot: Yes please! (grabs cake and starts eating)  
  
Fatman: Leave some for me!  
  
Liquid Ocelot: Whatever, Bakery!  
  
Solidus: Why do you call him Bakery?  
  
Liquid Ocelot: Because he has so many rolls!  
  
Fatman: Wah!  
  
Narrator: Your love is like bad medicine, bad medicine is what I need... I mean... But not all of it was about Bon Jovi songs. Some was about... uh... selling out.  
  
(cut to Snake sneaking around in the tanker. He notices a guard and quickly ducks out and holds the guard up)  
  
Snake: Freeze!  
  
Guard: Uh!  
  
Snake: (turns to camera) Hi. I'm Solid Snake from such other sellout games, including "Metal Gear 2: Snakes Revenge" and the ever popular "The Erotic Missions Of Solid Snake". Get it? My name? A solid snake? Snake also means penis?! GET IT?! I HAVE A SOLID SNAKE?!  
  
Guard: (Raidens voice) Hurry up...  
  
Snake: Not now, Raidy boy! Anyway, I, the Solid Snake... hee hee hee... have just released my new game, "Metal Gear Solid 2.7: The Obvious Scheme For More Money". Buy many copies of it now!  
  
Guard: (Raiden voice) Where's my Legolas porn and copy of "The Darkness Before The Fall"?!  
  
Snake: (shakes head) I can't believe you wanted to read that shit...  
  
Guard: (Raidens voice) Just give me it! Ronin Syaoran is so Kawaii!  
  
Snake: Just for that... (starts shooting Raiden)  
  
(cut back to everyone but Snake)  
  
Liquid Ocelot: The wettening...  
  
Raiden: I bought 3 copies of that game! I also suffered a complete breakege of every bone in my body after Snake pumped me full of lead!  
  
Fatman: You know, I'm not the first Fatman?  
  
Fortune: How so?  
  
Fatman: The first one, who was my twin brother, died.  
  
Otacon: How did he die?  
  
Fatman: He died with a felafel in his hands.  
  
Otacon: Mmm... felafel... (eats a felafel)  
  
Narrator: But not everything was about a great Australian novel. Some of it was about Seinfeld spoofs.  
  
(cut to Snake sitting on the couch with Fortune playing The Getaway)  
  
Snake: I mean, what is it with the English gangsters? I mean, I know that they're from England, but they seem to have an accent!  
  
Fortune: I'm just going to ignore you and talk about my horrible love life.  
  
(Raiden, with messed up hair, slides in through the door)  
  
Raiden: Heeeey, David. Mind if I borrow some of your guns and ammo?  
  
Snake: And what is it with the messed up hair? I mean I know it's all part of the joke, but it seems to be in every episode!  
  
(Fatman walks in)  
  
Fatman: I'm a depressed man who's unemployed and I live with my parents.  
  
Fortune: Can you spare a death? I just wanna die, can you spare?  
  
(cut back to everyone but Snake)  
  
Otacon: I don't remember that...  
  
Liquid Ocelot: I do!  
  
Emma: Really?  
  
Liquid Ocelot: No... (hangs head in shame) I just wanted some attention...  
  
Narrator: And thats all for this episode. Join us next time for everyones view on Raiden. Here's a sneak peek.  
  
Emma: I... (breaks down in tears) I wanted Raiden so bad that I got his naked body tattooed on my inner thigh. Just so when I... when I masturbated I'd see his sexy body lying there, approving of me.  
  
Narrator: Oh yeah... mm thats some good mind-porn... I mean... uh... tune in next time on Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid 2. 


	3. Opinions Of Raiden

Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid 2- Sons Of Liberty  
Part 3  
  
Narrator: Welcome to the third episode of Behind The Game. In this edition, we go and talk to the cast about how they felt about Raiden. All their innermost thoughts and feeling will be revealed, to some guy with a microphone in tight lycra.  
  
(cut to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Solidus: Ah yes, Jack. Little Jack. How I despise him, yet I love him in the same motion.  
  
Snake: His name isn't Jack.  
  
Otacon: Really?  
  
Emma: You didn't know?! I found out on our first day together on set.  
  
Otacon: So... what is his name?  
  
Snake: It's Morgan.  
  
(everyone cracks up and rolls on the floor laughing)  
  
Ocelot: Oh my god, what kind of parents would give their child the name 'Morgan'?!  
  
(everyone recovers and sits back up)  
  
Fortune: (wipes tear from eye) Whooo... hee hee hee...  
  
Fatman: Hey, remember that wierd day when he just forgot all his lines?  
  
(cut to Pliskin and Raiden on the Big Shell)  
  
Pliskin: They've got hostages?  
  
(silence)  
  
Pliskin: (whispering) Psst! Morgan! Say the line!  
  
(silence)  
  
Raiden: Hold on... wow! Hostages almost rhymes with sausages!  
  
(cut back to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Fatman: What was wrong with him?  
  
Otacon: That was his birthday. And he didn't get a present.  
  
Everyone: Awwwwwwwwwwww...  
  
Snake: (sniffs) Thats so sad... wah!  
  
(Ronin Syaorans voice is heard OC)  
  
Ronin: Hey, can we keep the show going? This lycra is extraordinarily hot!  
  
Snake: Shut up, traitor boy! (fires pistol at OC Ronin)  
  
Fortune: What is it with the author of this stuff? Doesn't he understand that no one cares about injokes from his other MGS fanfic?!  
  
(Shade, the author, pops in)  
  
Shade: Of course I do. No one has complained yet. (leaves)  
  
Ocelot: Hey, remember that time when the Colonel and Raiden had that... discussion that was cut out of the game?  
  
Fatman: Yes. Yes I do...  
  
(cut to Raiden and Colonel on CODEC)  
  
Colonel: We have Rosemary.  
  
Raiden: What? You bastard!  
  
Colonel: Honestly though, Raiden, I don't know what you see in her.  
  
Raiden: Huh?  
  
Colonel: Rosemary. She's so, uh, nasty. You shouldn't be with her.  
  
Raiden: I'm gonna hang up now...  
  
Colonel: Dammit Raiden! You need someone with more experience! I want you!  
  
Raiden: You really need to get out more. Seek help. (hangs up)  
  
Colonel: Ah, Raiden, if you only knew... if you only knew...  
  
(cut to Colonel lying naked near a cliff overlooking the sea. Raiden is running down a hill, naked, towards the Colonel. 'I Will Always Love You' by Whitney Houston is heard)  
  
Colonel: Oh Raiden. I love you.  
  
Raiden: Oh Colonel, I love you more!  
  
(Raiden reaches Colonel and they proceed to do something too disgusting to discribe, even by this fics standards)  
  
(cut to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Solidus: EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!  
  
Otacon: My eyes are unclean... oh god! (proceeds to claw at his own eyes)  
  
Snake: That was plain wrong.  
  
Fortune: But seeing Raiden naked was pretty cool.  
  
Emma: Amen to that!  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about the Colonels fantasys about Raiden. Some of it was about backstage idiocy.  
  
(cut to Snake, Ocelot, Raiden and Solidus sitting in a line, the back three staring at Snakes head)  
  
All: We are Jamaican bobsled team!  
  
(Fortune walks up)  
  
Fortune: Guys, can you keep it down? Me and Vamp are supposed to be doing his death scene!  
  
Raiden: Hey mun, we be Jamaican bobsled team.  
  
Snake: Too far, Raiden. Too far.  
  
Raiden: Did you say 'nerd'?  
  
Snake: I didn't say anything that sounded like nerd!  
  
Raiden: Did you say 'nerd'?  
  
Solidus: Quiet you, or I'll ram a tentacle down your throat so far you'll think its an enema!  
  
Raiden: Did you say 'nerd'?  
  
(cut to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Snake: We finally had to pass him over to a mind eraser to get him to forget that line.  
  
Otacon. No we didn't! We programmed a guard to become our personal singer.  
  
(a guard enters)  
  
Guard: I love to sing-a  
About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a,  
I love to sing-a,  
About a sky of blue-a, or a tea for two-a,  
Anything-a with a swing-a to an "I love you-a,"  
I love to, I love to sing  
  
(guard walks off)  
  
Otacon: I love that guy.  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about Jamaican bobsled teams. Some of it was about charades.  
  
(cut to Snake doing a ballroom style dance, with Raiden sitting watching and Emma 'n' Fortune looking at a stopwatch)  
  
Raiden: Uh, foxtrot? (Snake looks at him) Waltz? Tango?   
  
Emma: Give it up, Raiden. You'll never beat our time.  
  
(Snake shakes his head, gets on his knees and starts sniffing, pouncing etc.)  
  
Raiden: Dog? Bear? Cat? Milkshake? Milkshake? Is it milkshake?!  
  
Snake: (does a wolf howl) AWOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Raiden: Oh, a wolf.  
  
Emma: Time! It was 'Dances With Wolves', Raiden.  
  
Snake: Why didn't you get that?!  
  
Raiden: I never saw it.  
  
Snake: Why the hell not?!  
  
Raiden: I don't like musicals.  
  
Snake: It wasn't a musical!  
  
(cut to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Vamp: I enjoy looking at Raidens genitals.  
  
(silence)  
  
Vamp: Do you like his genitals?  
  
Emma: Yes  
  
Fortune: Yep  
  
Solidus: Yep  
  
Snake: Yep  
  
Ocelot: Yep  
  
Emma: Yep  
  
Fade: Yes  
  
Snake: No... wait, I mean yes!  
  
Vamp: Everyone loves Raidens genitals.  
  
Narrator: But not everytihng was about Raidens sweet genitals. A portion of it was about fights.  
  
(cut to Raiden and Pliskin in the dead-SEALs room after Vamp incident.  
  
Raiden: (notices Pliskin sleeping) Heh heh heh... (pulls out pistol and aims it)  
  
Pliskin: (wakes up and aims his M4 at Raiden) Think you can handle that thing?  
  
Raiden: I don't need a gun to take you down, Pliskin! I'll kill you! YARGH!!! (charges forward, but is held back by Pliskin who has stood up and placed his right hand on Raidens forehead, holding him back)  
  
Pliskin: Yawn...  
  
Raiden: (swinging his fists wildly and not coming close to Pliskin) Uh, urh, you, you, I'LL KILL YA!!! (grabs Pliskins M4 and opens fire) MWAHAHA!!!  
  
Pliskin: Uh... (looks behind him and see's that all of Raidens bullets have missed by a metre or two, even though he's only a couple of metres away himself) We have got to work on your aim.  
  
(cut to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Snake: Good moments.  
  
Otacon: Yep.  
  
Fortune: (scratches arm)  
  
Ocelot: (cough)  
  
Vamp: Hmm...  
  
Shade: (pulls out a guitar and plays a tune to his song)  
Bullet through the head,  
No one cares that I am dead,  
Bullet through the heart,  
No one's there as I descend to the dark,  
Bullet through the chest,  
No one's around for my eternal rest  
But it's not my fault,  
It's not all in my head,  
It's not my fault,  
But you don't even know me...  
  
(silence)  
  
Otacon: What is it with the shameless self promotion?!  
  
Snake: Jesus...  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about beautifully depressing songs with original music and lyrics done by the Shade Wolf. Some of it was about Raidens coming out.  
  
(cut to a nervous looking Raiden standing in front of everyone)  
  
Raiden: I'm glad you all came here.  
  
Snake: Yep. What do you want?  
  
Raiden: Well, there's something I've been hiding from all of you, my friends.  
  
Otacon: Uh huh.  
  
Vamp: Get on with it.  
  
Raiden: (takes a deep breath) The fact is that I, Morgan, am...  
  
Fortune: Yeeeees?  
  
Raiden: I'm...  
  
Solidus: My cookies are in the oven! I need to make sure the Patriots haven't stolen them yet!  
  
Raiden: I'm... I'm gay.  
  
(silence)  
  
Snake: Hmm.  
  
Raiden: I'm gay, my friends.  
  
Otacon: Already knew.  
  
Fortune: Was it supposed to be a secret?  
  
Snake: I knew before he did.  
  
Raiden: Huh? Don't you understand?! I'm gay!  
  
Vamp: Care to join me in my bedchambers?  
  
Emma: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My dreams of doing the deed with him are now nothing but that; dreams. Now I will have to retire to a permenent life of solitary masturbation.  
  
Raiden: Jesus, does no one give a shit!?  
  
Fatman: Not really.  
  
(cut to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Snake: Stupid gay bastard. I wish I could kill him right now!  
  
Otacon: Hold on, you're talking about my lover there!  
  
Everyone but Otacon: Gasp!  
  
Otacon: Uh... heh heh heh... hooo boy.  
  
Fatman: Well, we all know how YOU feel about him now, don't we?  
  
Solidus: I hate that little prick ever since he ruined that scene...  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about Otacon revealing that he and Raiden are lovers. Some of it was about how Solidus hates that little prick ever since he ruined that scene...  
  
(cut to Raiden on the torture table with Solidus looking at him)  
  
Solidus: You're awake.  
  
Raiden: Where... where am I, dick?  
  
Solidus: What did you call me?  
  
Raiden: I called you a dick, dick.  
  
Solidus: Don't call me a dick, dick!  
  
Raiden: I'll call you a dick if I want to, you dick!  
  
Solidus: Shut up, dick!  
  
Raiden: You're a dick!  
  
Solidus: You're a dick!  
  
Raiden: You're a dick and I've had it with your dicketry! I choose you!  
  
Solidus: You wanna fight?  
  
Raiden: Right now!  
  
Solidus: (pushes a button and Raiden becomes completely free) Bring it on!  
  
Raiden: Nope! See ya! (runs away, his naked white butt jiggling)  
  
Solidus: (places head in hands) Why do I always fall for that one?  
  
(cut to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Ocelot: Wow, Raiden was right for once.  
  
Solidus: What do you mean?!  
  
Snake: He means that you're a dick!  
  
Fatman: How about a little time off... from dicks!  
  
Otacon: I could go for that. Raiden had me working all nigh- I mean, no. Heh heh heh...  
  
Fortune: Homo.  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about a complete over usage of the word dick. Some of it was about... uh... shameless Coke advertisments?  
  
(cut to Raiden drinking a Coke)  
  
Raiden: Ah. Delicous Coke. (looks at camera) Oh hiya. I'm Raiden from the hit porn movies 'Triple A: Alaskan Albino Anal' and the ever popular 'Blackraven and Raiden Do The Entire Kama Sutra' (Shades Note: Blackravens name used completely without authorisation. If requested, I will remove her name)  
  
(Snake walks on)  
  
Snake: (to camera) Hey there! I'm Solid Snake, famous from such erotic films as 'Oh Guys Just Wanna Munch Muff' and 'Blackraven Shows Snakes Solid' (Shades Note: yet again without permission)  
  
Raiden: (harsh whisper) Snake! This is MY bit!  
  
Snake: (to camera) You know, Coke isn't just delicious. It's a source of 0.5 essential vitamins!  
  
Raiden: Yeah! It also speeds the development of your breasts and/or penis, making them grow big and strong!  
  
Snake: Buy some!  
  
Raiden: (to Snake) You are so dead.  
  
(cut to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Olga: I was in that movie!  
  
Otacon: Which one?  
  
Olga: 'Oh Guys Just Wanna Munch Muff'!  
  
Vamp: You had your muff munched, Queen?  
  
Olga: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeees...  
  
Emma: I want my muff munched!  
  
Snake: I'll help you in that category, if you care to meet me upstairs...  
  
That Robot From Lost In Space: Danger! Danger! Emma Emmerich!  
  
Snake: Blasted machine!  
  
Narrator: Where's my bagel?! Oh wait a minute, it's in my pants. Mmm, pants fresh... I mean... Some of it was about codec conversations.  
  
(cut to Raiden in the middle of a connecting bridge)  
  
Raiden: Where too... better call Rose.  
  
Rose: (over codec) Yeah Jack?  
  
Raiden: Rose, I need to know where to go!  
  
Rose: You know, this reminds me... of a song.  
  
Raiden: Oh god...  
  
Rose: Ahem. (pulls out a guitar) Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.  
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.   
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.  
  
Raiden: Uh, Rose?  
  
Rose: (caught up in song) It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.  
  
Raiden: (hangs up on Rose) Whew. Now I better call Snak- I mean Pliskin.  
  
Pliskin: (over codec) Mmmmmmmmmmmyes?  
  
Raiden: I need to know where to go!  
  
Pliskin: Don't we all?  
  
(Rose appears over the codec)  
  
Rose: So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind.  
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.   
  
(cut to everyone but Raiden)  
  
Snake: Heh heh heh, I love that song.  
  
Narrator: And thats it, for this episode. Join us next time for everyones views on Solidus. Here's a sneak peek.  
  
Raiden: Solidus was an asshole. I once asked him to get me some food, when I was in the shower, with my cat. So I had to get out and find my own, food I mean, but he ate it all! So I licked a spoon.  
  
Narrator: That's next time on Behind The Game. 


	4. Opinions Of Solidus

Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid 2- Sons Of Liberty  
Part 4  
  
Narrator: Welcome to another episode of Behind The Game. Before we begin, here's some comments on this show by various peoples:  
"This is some of the funniest stuff I have ever read!"- The New York Times  
"I can't believe the author of this stuff hasn't been approached by a major publisher!"- USA Today  
"Here he comes  
Here comes Speed Racer  
He's a demon on wheels"- The Speed Racer theme song  
As you can see, this stuff is funny. At least according to these made up reviews. But in this episode we show how everyone felt about Solidus.  
  
(cut to everyone but Solidus)  
  
Fatman: He was an asshole.  
  
Fortune: Idiot.  
  
Ocelot: Jerk.  
  
Otacon: Dickhead.  
  
Snake: Sacred lover. (silence) I mean he was a penis sucker.  
  
Raiden: Stupid penis sucking idiotic asshole dickhead jerk.  
  
Emma: He was waaaaaaay too obsessed by the Patriots idea.  
  
(cut to Raiden and Solidus)  
  
Raiden: When I was young, I thought that there was a left sock and a right sock, and it was plain good luck that I got each one on the correct foot! But then my momma told me that either one went on either foot.  
  
Solidus: Fool! There is a left and right sock! But the Patriots hide it from us! They implant homing devices into the socks so that they home in on the correct foot! Damn the Patriots!  
  
Raiden: Thats not cool.  
  
Solidus: Damn them! Damn all of them Patriots!  
  
(cut to everyone but Solidus)  
  
Snake: That poor insane man.  
  
Raiden: At least he ain't as insane as you, turkey boy!  
  
(silence)  
  
Fortune: Worst insult... EVER!  
  
Raiden: Back me up here, Otacon!  
  
Otacon: Uh... that did suck, Raiden.  
  
Raiden: Oh, that means a lot from the guy who pretends to BE Shaft, as opposed to the guy who TAKES shaft.  
  
Otacon: (angry) Hey, I don't hear ou complaining nightly. In fact, the only thing I do hear you say is "Yes Hal! Cradle the balls and work the shaft!"!  
  
Raiden: Hey! Hey! What'd we say? Not in public!  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about Otacon ramming Raiden where the sun don't shine. Some was about pick up lines.  
  
(cut to Fortune drinking some coffee from a cup, her railgun over her shoulder. Solidus walks up)  
  
Solidus: Umm... hi, Fortune.  
  
Fortune: Hey Solidus. (drinks some more coffee)  
  
Solidus: Um, do don't work at the post office, do you?  
  
Fortune: (looks over at Solidus) No, why?  
  
Solidus: (points index fingers at Fortune) 'Cause baby, I swore I saw you checkin' out my package! (grins)  
  
Fortune: (whips up her railgun and blasts Solidus in a nearby wall) Grr!  
  
(cut to Emma leaning on a wall whilst listening to a discman. Solidus walks up)  
  
Solidus: Uh, hi Emma.  
  
Emma: (removes headphones) Oh, hiya Soldius! How you going?  
  
Solidus: Fine... I just wanted to say that those clothes looked good on you.  
  
Emma: Thank you! (smile)  
  
Solidus: (points index fingers at her) But baby, they'd look even beter on my bedroom floor! (grins)  
  
Emma: (grabs Fortunes railgun and blasts Solidus into a cracked, nearby wall) Hrrr!  
  
(cut to everyone but Solidus)  
  
Fatman: ... and then the genie said, "I'll have a vinegar and water!"  
  
(everyone cracks up laughing)  
  
Olga: That was a good one, fatty!  
  
Ocelot: What the? There was no joke! He just waited until the end of the clip and said that line like a joke preceded it! (several laser dots appear on Ocelots head, a gun reloading is heard) I mean... uh... that was a very good one, Fatty! (dots move away)  
  
Narrator: We secretly implanted a mind reader in Solidus' brain, so we could find out some of the things he thought during the game. Here is the scientist who worked on this little device.  
  
Scientist: What? I'm not talking to you.  
  
Narrator: Damn lasanga incident... Well, here's some selected scenes.  
  
(cut to Snake firing at Solidus, from the helicopter)  
  
Snake: Stop impersonating him!  
  
Solidus (talking): 'Brother', I'm a whole different game from Liquid!  
  
Solidus (thinking): I'm like Monopoly, and he's like... like... damn the Patriots!  
  
(cut to Solidus in the Harrier; it fires a missile at Raiden)  
  
Solidus (talking): Take this!  
  
Solidus (thinking): Dum de de dum de de dum dum dum, shiny missile... Dum de de dum de de dum dum dum, gonna blow him up...  
  
(cut to everyone but Solidus)  
  
Ocelot: The wettening...  
  
Snake: That was the worst bit of comedy I have seen to this day. It doesn't even make sense!  
  
Olga: Yes it does.  
  
Snake: No it- wait a minute. Yes it does!  
  
Otacon: Remember how he wouldn't work because he just got his PS2 with Final Fantasy 10?  
  
Fortune: No... (several laser dots appear on head, bazooka being loaded is heard) I mean... Yes? (lasers go away)  
  
(cut to Solidus sitting on a couch, PS2 controller in hand)  
  
Solidus: (singing to himself) Final Fantasy is an RPG/ The only one that I need/ It's the RPG for me...  
  
(Ocelot walks in)  
  
Solidus: (singing to himself while playing) Final Fantasy is all that I play/ All other games are lame/ It puts them all to shame...  
  
Ocelot: You're supposed to be shooting the Harrier scene right now!  
  
Solidus: Quiet! I'm fighting against some wierd ocean cretures right now! Now, where was I? Oh yes! (starts singing again) I only play games that are popular...  
  
Ocelot: But Gary!  
  
Solidus: (snaps out of his song) Who told you my real name?! Was it the Patriots?!  
  
Ocelot: You wrote it down in your audition resume!  
  
Solidus: You must be killed so no one else finds out!  
  
Ocelot: Huh? You're insane!  
  
Solidus: (in an Italian accent) Say 'ello to my little friend... (flips over couch to show Clouds huge sword)  
  
Ocelot: Aren't you supposed to pull out your giant machine gun?  
  
Solidus: Hoo hah! (tries to pick up the sword, but cannot) Ugh... damn Patriots, draining my strength... (finally picks it up, but falls backwards)  
  
Oceolt: (falls over in laughter) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hey guys, look at this!  
  
(everyone rushes in and sees Solidus struggling under the swords weight)  
  
Everyone: (falls over laughing) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
  
(cut to everyone but Solidus)  
  
Snake: Correction, THAT was the lamest piece of shit I have EVER seen.  
  
Otacon: What about all of Princess Serenitys work? (Name used without permission. Will be removed if requested from author herself)  
  
Snake: I stand corrected.  
  
Chibs: Doi! I am sooooooooooo stupid! Look ats da preeti flowers!  
  
Narrator: But not everything was due to the complete crappiness of Princess Serenitys work. Some was about confessions.  
  
(cut to the three Snakes, aka Liquid, Solid and Solidus, sitting in a circle)  
  
Liquid: Solidus, why did you call me and Solid over here? I was getting it on with a chick!  
  
Solid: Really?  
  
Liquid: Well, it would be true if you changed 'getting it on with' to 'getting the shit beaten out of me', and then substituted 'a chick' with 'by a 5 year-old girl'  
  
Solidus: Enough! You guys, I have something to tell you.  
  
Solid: Yes?  
  
Liquid: What is it, brother?  
  
Solidus: (sigh) Thats it. We're not actually brothers.  
  
Liquid: WHAAAAAT?!  
  
Solid: O...............kaaaaaaaaay.  
  
Solidus: I found it to be a shock too.  
  
Solid: Hold on, if thats true, then why do we all look the same, huh?! Answer that, smart guy!  
  
Solidus: Oh, that was Gods fault.  
  
Booming Voice: Yeah, my bad. Sorry.  
  
Liquid: Sure thing, O Holy One!  
  
Solid: Well, that explains everything. (realises that they're all eating ice-cream) Wait a minute, where did this ice-cream come from?!  
  
Solidus: Plot device, Mr David. Plot device.  
  
Liquid: Don't ask questions, just eat.  
  
(cut to Olga)  
  
Olga: Me and Solidus... we shared some good times, and some bad times. I remember once, he tried to kill me!  
  
(cut to Solidus aiming large machine gun at Olgas head)  
  
Olga: No Solidus! We can work things out!  
  
Solidus: You made me cry!   
  
Olga: How did I do that again?  
  
Solidus: You made me question my belief in cat heaven! Now I don't know what to think!  
  
Olga: But... uh... if you kill me, that will make you question even more!  
  
Solidus: (grabs head and falls on knees) Using... mind tricks! Ugh!  
  
(cut to Ronin Syaoran)  
  
Ronin: I don't even know why I'm here. I never talked to Solidus, so my guess is that my duty is to just have a guest spot from Darkness Before The Fall. Oh yeah, and buy Taco Bell food! (grins)  
  
Solid Snake (OC): Get out.  
  
Ronin: (feebily) Okay.  
  
(cut to Solidus)  
  
Solidus: This one ime, at band camp, I shoved a flute up my- oh, the cameras on. Damn the Patriots! Damn them to their patriarchal hell for all eternity!  
  
(cut to Ocelot)  
  
Ocelot: Me and Solidus? We had a bond so tight, you could shove an elephant through it.  
  
(cut to Solidus watching TV. Ocelot walks in)  
  
Ocelot: Hey Solidus.  
  
Solidus: Don't make me kill you. (lifts a tentacle to head height)  
  
Ocelot: Okay.  
  
(cut to Emma)  
  
Emma: Solidus? He was insane. Whenever someone came up with evidence that the Patriots didn't exist, he'd... well, see for yourself.  
  
(cut to Otacon talking to Solidus)  
  
Otacon: But if the Patriots existed, then they would have killed you for knowing about them!  
  
Solidus: Not so.  
  
Otacon: Prove me wrong, kid! Prove me wrong!  
  
Solidus: Uh... 10 YEARS! 10 YEARS PAL! IN A CELL, WITH A GORILLA! WITH A PSYCHO GORILLA!!!  
  
(cut to Vamp)  
  
Vamp: Solidus was my best friend during the shooting of the game. We played many games together, including that wierd word associtation games. (cuts himself in chest) Oh yeah...  
  
(cut to Vamp and Solidus looking at the ocean from the Shell 1 Strut B roof)  
  
Vamp: Alright... John F. Kennedy.  
  
Solidus: The Patriots.  
  
Vamp: Your friends and family.  
  
Solidus: The Patriots.  
  
Vamp: Cute and cuddly little puppies.  
  
Solidus: The Patriots.  
  
Vamp: Uh... Vanilla Ice.  
  
Solidus: The Patriots.  
  
Vamp: Your heart?  
  
Solidus: The Patriots.  
  
Vamp: I think that is enough for now, I should be drinking my marine blood. (turns to camera) Five pints a day keeps the undeath away!  
  
Solidus: The Patriots.  
  
Vamp: Uh, Solidus?  
  
Solidus: The Patriots.  
  
Vamp: Snap out of it!  
  
(cut to an elf and a dwarf)  
  
Elf: I just love my magic ring, don't you Mr.Dwarf?  
  
Dwarf: Aye, I just love me magic ring. Don't you, Mr.Man?  
  
(Elf and Dwarf go away, and Isildur pops up)  
  
Isildur: Burn fossil fuels! Cut down the rainforests! Buy Mercedes Benzes!  
  
(Sauron appears)  
  
Sauron: I am the Dark Lord of Mordor and I have forged the One Ring (zoom in on face) TO RULE THEM ALL!  
  
Isildur: You killed my daddy! Die!  
  
(Isildur cuts off Saurons hand- Sauron dies. Enter Elrond)  
  
Elrond: We must destroy the ring, Mr Ander- I mean Isildur, by throwing it into the fires of Mount DOOM!  
  
Isildur: How about... NO! Mehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!  
  
(cut to Raiden and Snake)  
  
Snake: What in Gods name did THAT have to do with this game?!  
  
Raiden: Nothing, but it keeps the LoTR fans happy.  
  
Kat: YEAH! Gollum bit cracked me up! (name used without permission, blah blah blah)  
  
Snake: (looks around) Hey, where did everyone go?  
  
Raiden: They went to play Dungeons And Dragons. I'm going now, wanna join in?  
  
Snake: Can I be the human fighter/rogue?  
  
Raiden: I bagsied that part ages ago.  
  
Snake: Fine...  
  
(they walk off to the lounge room, where everyone is playing DnD)  
  
Emma: I wanna cast... Magic Missile!  
  
Solidus: Uh, sorry, you're surrounded by Ogres.  
  
Ocelot: How can we be surrounded by Ogres, I cast Mordenkainen's Faithful Hound!  
  
Solidus: No you didn't!  
  
Otacon: (from kitchen) I can fight Ogres, I have a Dagger Of Ogre Slaying, it does +9 damage against Ogres!  
  
Solidus: But you're not there, you're in the tavern!  
  
Otacon: Cool, I can get drunk! Roll to see if I'm getting drunk!  
  
Solidus: (rolls dice) Yeah, you're getting drunk!  
  
Ocelot: I cast that spell!  
  
Otacon: If there's any girls in the tavren I wanna do them!  
  
Narrator: And here for kicks, is Solidus' attempt to get mo' money from the game.  
  
(cut to Solidus jogging down the street, waving to OC people)  
  
Solidus: (does a very fake shock reaction as he notices the camera) Hi there everyone! You know, I used to weigh around 200 pounds! Now I only weigh 90 kilograms, and it's all thanks to the Imperial Metric System!  
  
(Raiden walks in)  
  
Raiden: Hi kids. You might remember me from such erotic films as-  
  
Solidus: WE'RE NOT ADVERTISING PORN!!!  
  
Raiden: Oh... (reads script) Ooooh, gotcha. (exits and walks in again) Hi kids. You might remember me from such weight loss scams such as The De-Flab Diet, and Jenny Craig. But today I'm advertising, with my good friend Solidus (puts hand on Solidus' shoulder)-  
  
Solidus: Keep touching me and you will die a painful death.  
  
Raiden: (removes hand from shoulder) Okay... (starts waving hands very close to Solidus' body) I'm not touchin' ya! I'm not touchin' ya!  
  
Solidus: DIE!!! (bodyslams Raiden off camera)  
  
(cut to everyone playing DnD)  
  
Otacon: (from kitchen) Where's the Cheetos?!  
  
Solidus: Next to the Mountain Dew!  
  
Snake: So... if I attack this goblin with my +2 Pistol of Explosiveness, will I kill it?  
  
Solidus: Only one way to find out.  
  
Snake: Then I attack, and take all the experience points! MUAHAHAHA! (points at Fortune) NO EXP FOR THOU!!!  
  
Otacon: (from kitchen) I found the Cheetos! They're +5... in deliciousness!  
  
Solidus: Alright, d20 to hit... add 1 for your Point Blank Shot feat... you miss by 17!  
  
Snake: WHAT?!  
  
Solidus: The goblin attacks with its -3 Dagger Of Pussiness... Critical Hit! You take 217 damage, killing you utterly!  
  
Narrator: Snake should've used his Stunning Fist attack... I mean, next time on Behind The Game, we go and fin out how the people felt... about Vamp and Fortune! Thats right, both at the same time! Here's a sneak peek!  
  
(cut to Raiden in a chair)  
  
Raiden: Vamp tried to seduce me after I told everyone that I was gay. What could I do? So eventually, he fucked my ass into a bleeding mess.  
  
Narrator: Thats next time on Behind The Game. 


	5. Opinions Of Vamp Und Fortune

Hello, I'm Simon Wolf-Gough, aka, Shade Wolf. I made this fic. I hope you enjoy it, as I put a lot of time and effort into it. In fact, when I was writing this fic, I was supposed to be doing schoolwork. But I didn't, and failed out of my classes. Actually, because of this fic, I have sentanced myself to the life of a fast-food worker, and eventually the local drunk. Anyway, enjoy it, and please leave a review! Bye!  
Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid- Sons Of Liberty  
Part Five  
  
Narrator: Welcome to the fifth and non-final episode of Behind the game. But before we begin giving Vamp and Fortune insults and putting them in situations that would never happen... nah, let's just start.  
  
(cut to everyone but Fortune and Vamp)  
  
Raiden: I knew I was gay, but I couldn't tell anyone.  
  
Snake: You told everyone two episodes ago. And we're supposed to talk about Vamp and that sexy black goddess Fortune!  
  
Raiden: (breaks down in tears) Why are you so hurtful? (runs out of room)  
  
Otacon: That was harsh, Snake.  
  
Snake: Oh, go eat some flowers, Raiden-rammer!  
  
Otacon: Call! (he and Snake high-five)  
  
Ocelot: I hope I have a larger part in this episode.  
  
Fatman: SHutup, Senor Mousatchio.  
  
Narrator: Good one. But not everything was about high quality insults. Some was about birthday parties.  
  
(cut to Solidus handing out invitations)  
  
Solidus: Here's one for you... (gives one to Otacon)  
  
Otacon: Thanks!  
  
Solidus: And one for you, Fortune... (gives one to Fortune)  
  
Vamp: And me?  
  
Solidus: Vamp, I had to put some criteria on my birthday party invites.  
  
Vamp: Where is this going?  
  
Solidus: Well, you can't be evil or dead.  
  
Vamp: But I can become good, and I'm very much alive, rwoar. (does one of those gay cat scratches in mid-air)  
  
Solidus: I liked you better when you were dead.  
  
(cut to everyone but Fortune and Vamp)  
  
Snake: His birthday party rocked. There was free beer.  
  
Solidus: It was rented. You owe me $500 in upkeep.  
  
(Raiden enters)  
  
Raiden: Hi.  
  
Snake: Hey stupid.  
  
Raiden: That's it?  
  
Snake: Give it time. It'll eat at ya.  
  
Otacon: Ever notice how this show has fallen back to rely on TV for jokes?  
  
Shade: You slander the fiction! Into the reviewers pit with you!  
  
(large Hawaiian guard drag Otacon to an ominous pit in the corner)  
  
Otacon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (is thrown into the pit)  
  
Narrator: We'll check on him later. In the meantime, let's see a small skit about racisim.  
  
(cut to Vamp and Fortune sitting on a couch)  
  
Fortune: Laaaaazy dog-dangling afternoon.  
  
Vamp: (grabs a nearby marine and sucks his blood) Mmm... warm and O positive flavour.  
  
(a redneck walks by)  
  
Redneck: Hey black bitch! Go work in my poppas slave mines, thats where you belong, haw haw!  
  
Fortune: (fires her railgun, killing the redneck instantly) That's something that's really developed nowadays.  
  
Vamp: What, Queen?  
  
Fortune: Racisim. It's really developed lately.  
  
Vamp: See, when I was young, none of the people at my school were racist. We were together, in spirit and flesh. We had a sacred bond... to beat the shit out of the fat kid with the glasses! (does a noogie manoeuvre on air) Take that fatty boomba! Taste my fury!  
  
(cut to everyone but Vamp, Fortune and Otacon)  
  
Snake: See Raiden, to get it on with the guys, you have to be aloof, but not arrogant. Aloof... (points his fingers in gun style towards the door) Hey...  
  
Raiden: Uh huh...  
  
Snake: But not arrogant. (lifts up shirt and rubs nipple with two fingers)  
  
Ocelot: Good point, Snake.  
  
Fatman: Can I get it on with chicks?  
  
Snake: Ha ha ha, no.  
  
Raiden: Where'd Otacon go?  
  
Narrator: How about we check on him?  
  
(cut to the bottom of a pit. Seen are Otacon, Blackraven, Kat, Battleshield, Chibs and Ronin Syaoran)  
  
Otacon: Why me?  
  
Kat: Why doesn't this have Gollum in it? He rocks!  
  
Chibs: I wanna be a dentist! Eugnh!  
  
Otacon: Gollum isn't in it as it was a one time joke, and why do you think we'd care that you want to be a dentist!  
  
Blackraven: I was in a porn film with Snake. Mmmm, yummy...  
  
Otacon: Why me, why me?!  
  
Ronin Syaoran: I can end your suffering, Otacon. (unsheathes katana)  
  
Otacon: Why are you here?  
  
Ronin: Snake throws me in here for fun sometimes.  
  
Battleshield: Good job man, keep it up!  
  
Ronin: You be quiet.  
  
Battleshield: Keep it going!  
  
(cut to everyone but Otacon, Vamp und Fortune)  
  
Snake: That would have been better if we had more then 3 regular reviewers.  
  
Shade: Dude, I do my best. Not my fault if all those assholes who read this... (notices that people will be reading this) I mean... Uh... Hoo boy...  
  
Raiden: I once had relations with a duck.  
  
Shade: Good distraction. (runs away)  
  
Narrator: Some of it was about battles.  
  
(cut to Raiden talking to Vamp in his lair on route to Emma)  
  
Vamp: She was alive a few hours ago.  
  
Raiden: I'll kill you! (fires SOCOM repeatedly at Vamp; he easily dodges)  
  
Vamp: You poor fool. Do you not know whom you face?  
  
Raiden: Yes, I do not know who... don't not know... SHUTUP!  
  
Vamp: (leaps down and bites Raidens neck) Heh... *slurp*  
  
Raiden: Dude, I have enough hickeys from Otacon al... alre... (he drops to the ground)  
  
Vamp: What flavour was that? Hmm...  
  
(cut to Snake and Raiden sitting opposite a Tv)  
  
Snake: Wanna watch some TV, your gayness?  
  
Raiden: I dunno, there's nothing but shit on nowadays. I mean, the War in Iraq, reality shows, Avril Lavigne...  
  
Snake: True. But I hooked up the Adults Only channel! C'mon, whos your biatch?  
  
Raiden: Otacon.  
  
(silence)  
  
Snake: You shutup.  
  
TV: The Adults Only channel would like to announce that the next film is not suitable for family viewing.  
  
Raiden: We better turn it off now.  
  
Snake: Shutup!  
  
TV: It contains scenes of violence, involving peoples arms getting chopped off, their ears nailed to trees and their toenails pulled out in slow motion.  
  
Snake: That sounds wrong. Very wrong.  
  
Raiden: Yay! I likes the arms bit the best!  
  
TV: There are also scenes of naked women with floppy breasts.  
  
Raiden: I wanna go to bed now.  
  
Snake: Mmmm, floppy...  
  
TV: There are also scenes with Zach Braff.  
  
Snake: Well that put me off it. (turns off TV)  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about Zach Braff. Some was about going partying.  
  
(cut to Fortune, Snake, Vamp and Raiden all standing on a sidewalk in the middle of a city)  
  
Fortune: Alright guys, we need to buy clothes, food and alcohol.  
  
Snake: Where are we going to get the money for that?  
  
(everyone looks over at Vamp, who is slaughtering civilians on the sidewalk, taking their valuables and putting 'em all into a bulding sack)  
  
Fortune: Perhaps we could use some of the money from Vamps 'findings'.  
  
Vamp: (stares at Fortune) Or perhaps we could all stick white hot iron rods in our eyes until we spear our brains.  
  
Raiden: (running around screaming) EEEEK, not in my eyes!  
  
Vamp: And that's why we won't be using any of my money.  
  
Snake: Wait, that doesn't even make-  
  
Vamp: I SAID that's why we won't be using my money.  
  
Raiden: Don't push it, Snake! Your meddling will get us fire pokeys in our eyes!  
  
Fortune: I hate you all.  
  
(cut to Mr.T)  
  
Mr.T: I'm Mr.T! And I'm in a fan fiction! It's funny 'cause it's not what you'd expect! I pity da foo' who don't find this hilarious! (a baby crawls by his feet) This is my baby! For less confusion, his name is Mr. lowercase t!  
  
Mr.t: Pity da foo'...  
  
(cut to Otacon stuck in the pit)  
  
Otacon: God help me...  
  
Ronin Syaoran: I'm not helping you, you bastard!  
  
Chibs: Was dat Mr.T?!  
  
Jerry Seinfeld: What is it, with the what is it?  
  
Paid Audience: Ha ha ha ha.  
  
Otacon: (yelling up the pit) I'M SORRY! PLEASE SAVE ME!  
  
(Snake and Vamp dive down the pit)  
  
Vamp: DIE! (slashes Chibs neck)  
  
Snake: Show's over, Seinfeld! (fires pistol, killing Jerry)  
  
Blackraven: Yay!  
  
Kat: So... what are you doing to us?  
  
Vamp: Normally I would kill you-  
  
Snake: But we're not. You can go home to your 'friends' and 'family'. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Ronin: Yes!  
  
Snake: HE'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!!! (fires pistol repeatedly at Ronin) Ha! (keeps on firing; reloads and fires)  
  
Ronin: (on ground) Organs... bleeding... bones... broken... spleen... still unaccounted for...  
  
Otacon: He's dead, Snake.  
  
Snake: Not... (fires once) quite... (fires again) YET! (emptys clip and calms down) Well that was fun. Let's go and buy some ice-cream.  
  
Narrator: But not everything was about Seinfeld slaughtering. Some was about Fortune and Vamps turn to sell out!  
  
(cut to Ocelot reading the paper)  
  
Ocelot: Let's see here... Libra... here we go, let's see... 'Things are up and down at work today, a co-worker may ask for some help with a task, use some of your wages to pay for bills, you and a loved one may talk about something of importance', what a jib!  
  
Deep Voice: Hey you!  
  
Ocelot: (spins around and sees nothing) Who, me?  
  
Deep Voice: Yes you! Tired of vague, watered down horoscopes that don't tell you a thing?  
  
Ocelot: I sure am!  
  
Deep Voice: Then try new 'Horror Scopes'. The new detailed horoscopes designed for you personally! Here are some examples.  
  
(Fortune appears in front of Ocelot)  
  
Fortune: Hello Libra! Your wife is having an affair with the guy who runs the liqour store down the street!  
  
Ocelot: What?!  
  
Deep Voice: Here's another.  
  
Fortune: An unexpected package will arrive for you today, but don't open it! It contains anthrax!  
  
Ocelot: Wow, thanks!  
  
Deep Voice: Finally...  
  
Fortune: Libra, for Gods sake, look behind you! Behind you! A vampire!  
  
Ocelot: Huh? (slowly turns and sees Vamp) Oh god no!  
  
(Vamp lunges forwards and slices Ocelots throat, picks him up and drinks the blood)  
  
Vamp: (drops Ocelots body) New Horror Scopes. Detailed, personal, and they might just save your life.  
  
Fortune: (kicks Ocelots body) Another satisfied customer.  
  
(cut to the Pirate Portrait from the intro of Spongebob Squarepants)  
  
Pirate Portrait: Are ya ready kids?  
  
Kids: (unenthusiastic) Aye aye captain.  
  
Pirate Portrait: I can't hear you!  
  
Kids: (unenthusiastic) Aye aye captain.  
  
Pirate: (pulls out machine gun and fires at the kids) I SAID I CAN'T HEAR YOU!  
  
Kids: AYE AYE CAPTAIN!  
  
Narrator: But not everything was put into fic just because the author couldn't think of anything better. Some was about movies.  
  
(cut to Fortune drinking a soda)  
  
Fortune: This is some good soda that I am drinking.  
  
(a hobbit who looks like Frodo runs in, firing a machine gun behind him)  
  
Hobbit: You'll never take me alive!  
  
Fortune: Who are you? Can you give me death?  
  
Hobbit: I'm Enrico Baggino, and I'm the Lord Of The Rings, see? I moidered Frodo in his sleep, and took the ring! Then I moidered Randalf, cast a time travel spell an' now I'm here, see?  
  
(pistol fire is heard; Enrico falls down)  
  
Fortune: (drinks soda) Good soda.  
  
(old woman enters)  
  
Fortune: *sigh* Who are you?  
  
Old Woman: Well, I was Sarah Clarke of Florida, but now I'm Lord Of The Rings!  
  
(pistol fire heard; old woman collapses)  
  
Fortune: (sips soda) Huh.  
  
(Snake enters)  
  
Snake: No way, only I'm the Lord Of The Rings!  
  
Fortune: I see where this is going. (sips soda)  
  
(pistol fire heard; Snake falls)  
  
Fortune: Knew it. (slurps soda)  
  
(enter Vamp)  
  
Vamp: Only I can be the Lord Of The Rings. Mwahahahahahaha!  
  
Fortune: (gulps soda) Mmm hmm.  
  
Peter Jackson: CUT! Print that, we finally have the final scene for The Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King!  
  
Vamp: Oh well. At least I get to keep the ring.  
  
Fortune: (turns to camera) Well, as you can tell, this is not the real ending. For you pleasure, here is the real ending.  
  
(cut to a woman sitting next to a bear)  
  
Bear: (gets angry and attacks woman) Gimme that ring!  
  
(cut to everyone but Fortune and Vamp)  
  
Otacon: (reading The Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King) Wait a minute, that wasn't in the book!  
  
Peter Jackson: Tell me about it. (picks up Lord Of The Rings reference guide; starts ripping out stuff and writting new stuff in)  
  
Snake: If I've learnt one thing from all this... it's that the author can't keep his mind focused on the job at hand, so he keeps making references, parodys and even rips stuff off other stuff to fill in space. He often just adds the characters he's writing about just so he can honestly say that they feature in the fic.  
  
Shade: You shutup.  
  
(Vamp sneaks behind them and slits all their throats)  
  
Vamp: Grr...  
  
Fortune: (walks in from back door) Well, I guess it's time for our fight.  
  
Vamp: Yes, let's see who would win, to finally set all the conflict to rest.  
  
Referee: Ready, GO!  
  
(Vamp charges, Fortune charges her railgun... time freezes)  
  
Narrator: Who will win this epic conflict between two people who have something together that is deeper then sex? You won't find out next time on Behind The Game! 


	6. Opinions Of Campbell And Rosemary

Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2- Sons Of Liberty  
  
Part Six  
  
Narrator: Tonight, on Behind The Game, we showcase the two of the main characters of the story- Colonel Campbell, and of course, Rosemary. These two were the basis of much of the story, and other yummy goodness.  
  
(cut to everyone but Campbell and Rose)  
  
Snake: Man, that Rosemary chick was hot. I'd like her on my meat, if you catch my drift? Eh, eh? Wink wink nudge nudge, (nudges Raiden in the chest with his elbow) Know what I mean? Know what I mean?  
  
Raiden: I'm gay.  
  
Snake: Oh... yeah. Sorry.  
  
Solidus: Remember that one time, when I walked into Rosemarys room, and she was in a 13-way orgy... WITH THE PATRIOTS?! I loved her so! DAMN!  
  
Ocelot: Calm down, Boss...  
  
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS! DAMN THEM ALL TO THEIR PATRIARCHAL HELL!  
  
Vamp: Does anyone mind if I kill him?  
  
Hideo Kojima: Yes. Yes I do.  
  
Vamp: Damn Japanese game designers...  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about Solidus and his insanity. Some was about... late night talk shows.  
  
(cut to Conan O'Brian at his desk)  
  
Conan: My next guest is in the upcoming game, Metal Gear SOlid 2: Sons Of Liberty. Lets welcome ROSEMARY!  
  
(Rosemary walks on in a sexy dress- audience makes wolf howls and appluads)  
  
Rose: Hi Conan!  
  
Conan: Hellooo, (makes cat noise) How are you today?  
  
Rose: I'm good actually!  
  
Conan: Very good. Now, lets start off this interview. Rosemary, you're sexy, cute, spunky and very good in bed, or so I've been told.  
  
Rose: Aww, shucks. (smiles and blushes)  
  
Conan: And you keep your beautiful skin and body even after working with Solid Snake! Rosemary, what is your secret?  
  
Rose: I'm a lesbian.  
  
(silence)  
  
Conan: Didn't expect that coming.  
  
(cut to everyone but Campbell and Rose)  
  
Ocelot: My real name is Sheldon.  
  
Frodo: Not now, Sam! I mean, Revolver!  
  
(Ocelot shoots Frodo in the head)  
  
Emma: Didn't Campbell have a sick love for Raiden? (looks around for Raiden) Where is he?  
  
Otacon: In the playpen. With all the reviewers.  
  
Shade: MWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
(cut to Olga, Liquid, Raiden, Blackraven, Battleshield, Pablosky, Kat, Chibs, Naemi and sephiroth-02-01 playing in a playpen)  
  
Pablosky: (puts pants on head) I dress myself!  
  
Liquid: (playing with Metal Gear dolls with Battleshield) I attack with missiles! Twio, twio!  
  
Battleshield: Uh, I counter with machine guns! Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!  
  
Liquid: (Tears well up in his eyes) I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU ANYMORE!  
  
(move on to Naemi, Raiden, Kat, Blackraven and sephiroth-02-01 playing Spin-The-Bottle)  
  
Blackraven: (spins the bottle) Ok, Raiden has to kiss... (spins bottle again) sephiroth! Hee hee hee!  
  
Raiden: YAY!  
  
Naemi and Kat: (pointing at sephiroth and chanting) You have to kiss a boy! You have to kiss a boy!  
  
sephiroth-02-01: Eww! (turns and shrugs at Raiden)  
  
Raiden: (grins and then kisses sephiroth) Mmm...  
  
Olga: Enough of that! It's time for Show-And-Tell!  
  
Narrator: We'll get back to that later. Now then, onto Campbells sick fetishes....  
  
(cut to Raiden walking around on the set)  
  
Raiden: Man, I need a nap... (walks over to his dressing room) Ah, here we go... (enters room, closes door behind him)  
  
Campbell: Hi there big boy.  
  
Raiden: (turns around and sees' Campbell on his bed, wearing nothing but a thong) Sweet Jesus, NO!  
  
Campbell: (strokes crotch erotically) Oh yeah, cutie. Come over here and let me tenderise your 'pork sword'.  
  
Raiden: No, Jesus, NO!  
  
Campbell: Oh yeah, sexy.  
  
Raiden: (tries to open door but finds it locked from the other side) Oh shit.  
  
Campbell: You've been a very naughty boy, Raiden. (pulls out whip and ball-gag) You're going to have to be punished.  
  
Raiden: HELP ME JESUS!  
  
(Suddenly, a white light fills the room and Jesus appears before them)  
  
Campbell: Uh oh.  
  
Jesus: DIE! (holds up hand and Campbell falls down to the ground dead)  
  
Raiden: Wow, thanks!  
  
Jesus: Don't mention it.  
  
Raiden: So... uh... seeing as you're Jesus and all, could you grant me a wish or something?  
  
Jesus: What the fuck? You think I'm a fucking genie or something?   
  
Raiden: Well, no...  
  
Jesus: I died on the cross for your sins, and I just saved you from that sick bastard! What have you even done for me?!  
  
Raiden: Umm, nothing, I suppose...  
  
Jesus: Die by the evil cobra of Heaven! (hold out hand, and a cobra appears) See ya! (disappears)  
  
Raiden: (notices cobra is about to bite his neck) Ah crap.  
  
(Liquid bursts in)  
  
Liquid: Wait! I can talk to snakes! Let me handle this... (waves hands at the cobra) Cobra, do not bite Raiden! Do not bite Raiden!  
  
(cobra bites Raiden)  
  
Raiden: Argh!  
  
Liquid: I'm sorry Raiden, let me try again, that cobra obviously doesn't speak English, I'll try German... Cobra, beißen nicht Raiden! Beißen Sie nicht Raiden!  
  
Raiden: (he and the cobra exchange puzzled glances)  
  
Liquid: Damn, would you like me to try in Spanish?  
  
Raiden: I don't care! I have cobra venom swimming in my neck!  
  
(Campbell gets up)  
  
Campbell: Maybe you need someone to suck it out. (walks over to Raiden)  
  
Raiden: HELP ME JESUS!  
  
Jesus: No favours for you! One year!  
  
(cut to playpen)  
  
Olga: What did you bring, Raiden?  
  
Raiden: I brought... uh... three potatos, a bucketfull of pelicans, and... oh yeah, Satan. (camera pans over to Satan standing next to Raiden, in all his evil glory)  
  
Chibs: Holy Jesus band wagon.  
  
Satan: Die! (cuts off Chibs head with tail)  
  
(move over to Pablosky in Knight Rider with David Hasselhoff)  
  
Pablosky: I brought Knight Rider, with Turbo Boost!  
  
David: Uh, Gary Coleman? The Turbo Boost isn't working.  
  
Pablosky: (lowers eyebrows and crosses arms) What choo talkin' 'bout, David Hasselhoff?  
  
Satan: I brought a snowglobe!  
  
Shade: Thats enough of this.  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was... stupid. Some of it was... stupider.  
  
(cut to Rose reading her script, while Campbell looks at pictures of Raiden)  
  
Campbell: Mmm, Raiden...  
  
Rosemary: (reading off script) As long as you have a shower as soon as you come back! (puts script down) That stinks.  
  
Snake: I think I stink more! I haven't had a shower since I last pleasured a woman!  
  
Campbell: Then you have never had a clean body.  
  
Snake: What do you mean? I've pleasured plenty of women!  
  
Campbell: Not according to our cuckoo clock!  
  
Rosemary: Listen to it, it's about to be 2 o'clock.  
  
(cuckoo clock goes off- a little Snake pops out)  
  
Cuckoo-Snake: (in high-pitched voice) I've never pleasured a woman! I've never pleasured a woman!  
  
Robot From Lost In Space: Ho ho ho! Cuckoo clock, you've still got it!  
  
Snake: (raises fist at Robot) Blasted machine!  
  
(cut to everyone but Campbell and Rose)  
  
Otacon: (gets up and dances) Everybody dance now! Bomp! Bomp bomp bomp bomp!  
  
(silence)  
  
Solidus: Were you bumped on the head as a child?  
  
Otacon: Yes.  
  
Solidus: Were you bumped on the head by the PATRIOTS as a child?  
  
Otacon: Heh heh heh... (pulls out shotgun) Don't make me shoot you, Solidus.  
  
(phone rings- Snake answers)  
  
Snake: Hellooo?  
  
Mysterious Voice: Hello, Neo. I need to talk to you about... The Matrix.  
  
Snake: Oh, sorry, my names not Neo. Bye! (hangs up)  
  
Fatman: I like cake!  
  
Vamp: I like men.  
  
(phone rings again, Snake answers)  
  
Snake: Mmmyeeeeesss?  
  
Mysterious Voice: Please, Neo, I need to talk to you about... The Matrix.  
  
Snake: Look, my name is not Neo, so... go away. (hangs up)  
  
Ocelot: I like to shoot things.  
  
Meryl: I like Chinese food...  
  
(phone rings- Snake answers)  
  
Snake: WHAT?!  
  
Sexy Voice: Hey there hot stuff. You wanna do some stuff for me?  
  
Snake: Oh yeah...  
  
Sexy Voice: Ok, take off your pants...  
  
Snake: (takes off pants) Uh huh!  
  
Sexy Voice: Now let me tell you about...  
  
(Sexy Voice changes into Mysterious Voice)  
  
Mysterious Voice: ...The Matrix.  
  
Snake: WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!  
  
Mysterious Voice: Ok, Neo, we can talk of... other things.  
  
Snake: Like...?  
  
Mysterious Voice: Like... uh... Sports. Cars. Chicks... The Matrix.  
  
Snake: FUCK OFF! (hangs up and pulls phone out of wall)  
  
Narrator: But not everything was a Matrix rip-off. Some was about... Pulp-Fiction.  
  
(cut to Campbell and Rosemary sitting in a cheap diner)  
  
Campbell: (eating a burger) You know what makes Raiden different from other guys?  
  
Rosemary: (sighs) Example.  
  
Campbell: It's the little differences. Like one time, I tried to flirt with him, and he just ran away.  
  
Rosemary: And thats different because...? (Codec rings) Goody!  
  
(Campbell turns on codec- Raiden is there)  
  
Campbell: What is it, Raiden?  
  
Raiden: I can't locate the final bomb.  
  
Campbell: Oh... THAT bomb. Check your ass.  
  
Raiden and Rosemary: WHAT?!  
  
Campbell: I kinda shoved that bomb up your ass while I was dressing you for your mission.  
  
Raiden and Rosemary: EWWWWW!!!  
  
Campbell: I know, but I found it... erotic.  
  
Raiden: Oh Jesus, I'm going to the toilet... (hangs up)  
  
Rosemary: (laughs) That was a good joke about the bomb.  
  
Campbell: Joke?  
  
(silence)  
  
Rosemary: I'm going to hurl.  
  
(cut to everyone but Rosemary and Campbell)  
  
Solidus: That was sick.  
  
Snake: You're very, very right.  
  
That Robot From Lost In Space: You like having three fingers jammed up your ass every night.  
  
Emma: Man, Snake, you suck!  
  
Snake: (raises fist at Robot) Blasted machine!  
  
Liquid: Genetic experiments!  
  
Ocelot: Stop saying that!  
  
Liquid: Oh, I'm sorry... Genetic experiments!  
  
(Agent Smith runs in and aims his Desert Eagle at Liquid)  
  
Agent Smith: Greetings Mr. Anderson.  
  
Otacon: More Matrix parodys?  
  
Agent Smith: Quiet you!  
  
Snake: Let me handle this. (pulls out two M4s and holds one in each hand) Get it on, fiznuck.  
  
(slow motion mode begins- Agent Smith fires pistol calmly, Snake goes insane with the M4s while jumping back into the air)  
  
Ocelot: (speaking in slow motion) Tttthhhhiiiissss iiiissss ssssttttuuuuppppiiiidddd...............  
  
Narrator: Bbbbuuuutttt (slow motion ends) not all of it was about Matrix parodys. Some was about budget cuts.  
  
(cut to Raiden and Campbell; Campbell carries a box)  
  
Campbell: This is the equipment you'll have for your mission. (opens box- inside is a kazoo)  
  
Raiden: A kazoo? You expect me to take on hundreds of terrorists... WITH A KAZOO?!  
  
Campbell: Well, FOXHOUND has had to make some budget cuts.  
  
Raiden: And...?  
  
Campbell: It was either provide you with the best armour and weapons the military can offer...  
  
Raiden: Or...?  
  
Campbell: Or... I got unlimited access to your underwear.  
  
Raiden: How does that equal top class weaponry?  
  
Campbeel: Heh heh heh... you don't know WHAT I want to do with your underwear.  
  
(cut to everyone but Rosemary and Campbell sitting around a table)  
  
Fortune: (holding a pack of cards) Alright people, the game is Poker. Strip Poker. Any questions? (Emma holds up her hand) Yes Emma?  
  
Emma: Can we not play with the Jacks?  
  
Fortune: Why?  
  
Emma: My father was a mechanic... he was crushed by a '76 Jack... (sobs)  
  
Fortune: Oh, I'm sorry... Ok, we'll take out the Jacks. (takes the Jacks out of the deck) Ok, any other questions?  
  
(Vamp puts up his hand)  
  
Vamp: Yeah, can we not play with the s... the s... the sevens! (breaks down in tears)  
  
Fortune: Whats wrong with sevens?  
  
Vamp: That movie, Seven... (sobs)  
  
Otacon: Oh, you mean the one where Gwyneth Paltrow gets her head cut off, and then it gets delivered to the guy in a box?  
  
Vamp: (screams) That movie freaked me out!  
  
Fortune: Ok, we won't play with the sevens  
  
Vamp: (screams)  
  
(Snake puts up his hand)  
  
Snake: Yeah, can we not play with the Queens?  
  
Fortune: What the hell is wrong with the Queens?!  
  
Raiden: His brother.  
  
(silence)  
  
Fortune: Oh, Snake, I forgot. Sorry. So no Jacks, Queens, Sevens-  
  
Vamp: (screams)  
  
Fortune: -Anything else?!  
  
(Fatman puts up his hand)  
  
Fatman: I'm allergic to Spades... (Fortune takes out cards) and Diamonds-  
  
Fortune: (throws cards away) Oh thats it, we can't play cards!  
  
(silence)  
  
Solidus: How about Scrabble?  
  
(resounding cheers)  
  
Fortune: (grabs Scrabble box) Alright, thats good, any questions?  
  
Liquid: I have a problem with vowels- (Fortune lunges at him)  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about games. Some was about the Campbell and Rosemary selling out.  
  
(cut to Campbell and Rosemary)  
  
Campbell: Oh hi there. You might remember me, Colonel Campbell, from such fanfiction as 'The Secret Life Of Raiden' and 'My Time In The Jungle With Raiden', both of which are published on the award winning website FanFiction.Net.  
  
Rosemary: And you might remember me, Rosemary, from such erotic fiction as 'The Secret Life Of Sexy Lesbians' and the famous 'My Time Exploring The Female Pleasure Spots', both of which have won Pulitzer Prizes.  
  
Campbell: We're hoping that you will donate your hard earned money towards the works of Princess Serenity.  
  
Rosemary: Specifically the complete and utter destruction of them. We wish to kill the authour in hundreds of painfull ways.  
  
Campbell: If you donate now, you will recieve free pictures of Raiden... NAKED!  
  
Rosemary: Or you will recieve pictures of me... NAKED!  
  
Campbell: DONATE NOW, BEFORE I COVER ALL DA RAIDEN PICTURES WITH MY STICKY FLUIDS!!!  
  
Narrator: That was stupid. But now what you all came here to see... HARDCORE NUDITY!  
  
(cut to everyone... naked)  
  
Raiden: Doo doo doo... Hey Snake, looking good!  
  
(Snake is looking at Fortune and masturbating)  
  
Raiden: Hey there gorilla... (keeps walking) Having some hot lesbian action, eh Olga?  
  
(Olga, Rosemary and Meryl are having a three way while all the males watch and masturbate, except Campbell, who is following Raiden and masturbating)  
  
Raiden: (suddenly turns around and looks at the gorilla)  
  
Gorilla: That was one of the longest double takes I've ever seen.  
  
Raiden: Oh, cool. So... are you still going to eat me?  
  
Gorilla: Hmmm... Yes.  
  
Narrator: And that wraps it up for this episode of Behind The Game. Join us next time as we delve deeper and deeper into the bowels of El Diablo. Join us next time as we find out how everyone felt... about Olga and Ocelot. Here's a sneak peek.  
  
(cut to Snake)  
  
Snake: Yeah, me and Olga had a thing. Well, we kinda had a thing. Ok, ok, I got Otacon to set up cameras in her dressing room for my own personal pleasure. But that was some damn good erotica, you know what I'm saying?  
  
Narrator: That's next time on Behind The Game. 


	7. Opinions Of Olga Und Ocelot

Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty  
  
Part Seven  
  
Narrator: Welcome to yet another episode of Behind The Game. Today we show you how people felt about those Russians, Olga and Ocelot. But before we find out how people felt about them, here are some secrets they have told anyone before.  
  
(cut to Ocelot drinking whiskey in an interrogation room)  
  
Ocelot: My real name isn't Revolver Ocelot. It's Revolana Ocelotawitz. Thats right, I'm a female Puerto Rican Jew.  
  
(he walks around the room, then turns back to the camera)  
  
Ocelot: It's true, Dr.Dre isn't a real doctor. I just wish he had told me that before he removed my pancreas.  
  
(walks around room again, then turns to camera)  
  
Ocelot: I'm impotent. Wait, wait, I don't want anyone to know that!  
  
Narrator: Stupendous. Now here are Olgas secrets.  
  
(cut to Olga smoking in interrogation room)  
  
Olga: You'd never know it by the game but I haven't taken a shower in seven years. I smell like an old dumpster. Take it or leave it boys.  
  
(takes a puff of the cigarette then looks at camera again)  
  
Olga: I'm very superstitious. Every time I start a new game, I always kill a hobo with a hammer.  
  
(throws cigarette away, then looks back at camera)  
  
Olga: People sometimes ask me if I'm as bitchy in real life as I am in the game. I say, 'Hey, what if life is a game?'. While they're thinking about that I yell out 'GAME OVER!' then run away.  
  
Narrator: Fantastic. Now lets find out what everyone thinks about them.  
  
(cut to everyone but Ocelot and Olga)  
  
Solidus: I remember Ocelot...  
  
Emma: Because you liked him?  
  
Raiden: Because you hated him?  
  
Solidus: Because he is working for the PATRIOTS!!! DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!  
  
Fortune: Had to get him started again, huh.  
  
Solidus: DAMN THEM TO THEIR PATRIACHAL HELL!!!  
  
Otacon: Hey Snake, remember how you, me, Ocelot and Olga lived together?  
  
Shade: Warning, the following skit is very long. You have been warned.  
  
(cut to Ocelot waking up in a bed- he turns and notices Olga beside him)  
  
Ocelot: Umm, Olga?  
  
(Snake walks in)  
  
Snake: Is that Olga?  
  
Ocelot: Yes.  
  
Snake: (looks at Olga, then Ocelot. Repeat) Ohhhh, I getcha. (winks)  
  
Ocelot: I did not fuck Olga. (looks at Olga) She looks dead.  
  
Snake: You murdered Olga! (walks over to Olga and touches her breast)  
  
Ocelot: You are not interfering with the dead!  
  
Snake: But it seems a shame to waste-  
  
Ocelot: NO!  
  
Snake: Fine, but I'll see you in court!  
  
(cut to Ocelot behind a bench; Snake is on a podium with a gavel and is wearing a wig)  
  
Snake: Order, order! The People vs Revolver Ocelot trial has begun!  
  
Ocelot: Can we go one day without me being held in trial for murder?!  
  
Snake: Quiet! Step to the witness stand!  
  
(Ocelot steps behind the witness stand)  
  
Ocelot: Don't I have the rights to a lawyer?!  
  
Snake: Oh yeah. Well, we prepared one for you.  
  
Ocelot: Well, at least this day can't get any worse.  
  
(Otacon walks in wearing a tie)  
  
Ocelot: Shit!  
  
Otacon: Never fear, I have the perfect plan to get you out of this mess!  
  
Ocelot: Really? What is it?  
  
Otacon: Well, we plead guilty, and hope the jury doesn't punish you much.  
  
Ocelot: Did you take into consideration what we do when I'm innocent?!  
  
Otacon: (stares into space for a moment) Shit!  
  
(Snake bangs his gavel)  
  
Snake: Defence, bring your first witness!  
  
Otacon: Judge, I bring to the stand... REVOLVER OCELOT!  
  
Ocelot: Question away.  
  
Otacon: Ocelot, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME, where were you on the morning of Friday the 30th of May?! If you will, tell the court your side of the story, even though it will be riddled with LIES!  
  
Ocelot: You're supposed to be defending me!  
  
Otacon: Oh, sorry.  
  
Otacon: Well, it all started one Friday morning...  
  
(fade into flashback- Ocelot is sitting next to Olga on his bed)  
  
Ocelot: Umm, Olga?  
  
Olga: Yes?  
  
Ocelot: Why are you on my bed?  
  
Olga: Because Snake, while I was out, went into my room and jerked off, covering my bed with his juices.  
  
Ocelot: Eww.  
  
Olga: Exactly. And you being the kind, sweet- (moving his hand down his chest)  
  
Ocelot: NO!  
  
Olga: (hand is now over Ocelots crotch, a knife slides down her arm and into her hand) And also the fact that my knife is over what is currently your left testicle...  
  
Ocelot: I see your point. You may stay with me.  
  
Olga: Good, now I'm going to get my things. (walks out of room- Snake walks in)  
  
Snake: Hey Ocelot.  
  
Ocelot: Bugger off!  
  
Snake: What did I do this time?!  
  
Ocelot: You ejaculated over Olgas bed, thats what!  
  
Snake: Oh, that. Well, those sheets needed a clean anyway.  
  
(fade out of flashback)  
  
Otacon: I see, thats YOUR side of the story. The defence rests.  
  
Snake: Prosecution.  
  
(camera turns from Snake to reveal... Snake, wearing a tie)  
  
Lawyer Snake: Thank you, your honor.  
  
Judge Snake: Don't mention it.  
  
Revolver Ocelot: Wait, how can you be the prosecution AND the judge?!  
  
Lawyer Snake: Your honor, I find inappropriate the defendants outbursts.  
  
Judge Snake: Good point. (turns to Ocelot and holds up gavel) You shutup now, or jam this gavel up your arse.  
  
Ocelot: Ok.  
  
Lawyer Ocelot: Now, let me tell you the truth about what happened that morning...  
  
(fade into flashback- Ocelot is holding a large knife, Olga is pinned on the bed)  
  
Ocelot: KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!  
  
Olga: Oh please sir, don't kill me. I had to retreat here after the barbarian hordes invaded my own bedroom, then the brave one known as Snake helped me into here, and he is currently holding them off from invading this room. I am weak and tired, and surely you would not be petty enough to hurt me.  
  
Ocelot: (thinks for a moment) Hmm... NO! (dives onto Olga and starts stabbing her to death)  
  
(fade out of flashback)  
  
Ocelot: Hold on, Olga had no stab marks on her!  
  
Lawyer Snake: The prosecution calls... OTACON!  
  
(Otacon and Ocelot switch places)  
  
Lawyer Snake: Otacon, tell me who you think killed Olga.  
  
Otacon: Well, I-  
  
Lawyer Snake: MAY I REMIND YOU YOU ARE UNDER OATH?!  
  
Otacon: He did it! He did it! I saw the murderous glint in his eyes! But please protect me! I don't want to be next!  
  
Ocelot: Aren't you defending me?  
  
Otacon: (thinks for a moment) Shit! Sorry!  
  
Judge Snake: Jury, make your decision.  
  
(camera pans to Otacon at the jury stand. Behind it is Otacon)  
  
Ocelot (OC): You're the jury too?!  
  
Otacon: Uh huh. Don't worry, we have this one in the bag.  
  
Judge Snake: Jury, your verdict.  
  
Otacon: I find the defendant... GUILTY!!!  
  
Ocelot: WHAT?!?!  
  
Otacon: Sorry, but I had to judge this case on its morals... (holds up attache case with $100 notes poking out of seal) And this huge amount of money Snake gave me!  
  
Judge Snake: I hereby sentance the defendant to death by hanging. (bangs gavel)  
  
(cut to Snake and Otacon at the kitchen table; Ocelots feet are seen swinging in mid-air)  
  
Otacon: (reading postcard) Hey, I just got a postcard from Olga.  
  
Snake: Oh, really?  
  
Otacon: Yes, it says she has gone to California for a while, to get treatment for a rare disease she has.  
  
Snake: Huh.  
  
Otacon: Yes, the disease makes her pass out occasionally, making her appear to be dead!  
  
Snake: Hmm.  
  
Otacon: So, it looks like Ocelot was innocent.  
  
Snake: Yep.  
  
Otacon: So... should we cut him down?  
  
Ocelot: (makes gargling noises)  
  
Snake: After lunch.  
  
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)  
  
Vamp: Ha ha ha... hi-larious.  
  
Solidus: Now that seemed silly.  
  
Emma: You're silly.  
  
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!  
  
Fortune: Can you stop damning the Patriots for 10 minutes?!  
  
Solidus: Hmm... no.  
  
Narrator: But not everything was about ridiculously long sketches. Some was about... ridiculously short sketches.  
  
(cut to Ocelot standing in front of 500 monkeys, all of which are typing on typewriters)  
  
Ocelot: Ah, monkeys. Soon they shall have written me the best novel in history! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
(he walks up to one monkey)  
  
Ocelot: Lets see what you've written... (pulls the paper out of the typewriter and reads it aloud) 'It was the best of times, it was the BLURST OF TIMES?!' Idiot! (smacks monkey over the head)  
  
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)  
  
Solidus: That was far to short, right? What did you think, Incredible Sulk?  
  
(a purple Incredible Hulk runs on)  
  
Incredible Sulk: SULK ANGRY!!!  
  
Shade: I didn't think it was THAT bad...  
  
Incredible Sulk: SULK CHALLENGE YOU TO FIGHT! IF SULK WIN, YOU GO AWAY AND NEVER WRITE AGAIN! IF SULK LOSES, SULK LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM AND LISTEN TO OLD CURE ALBUMS!  
  
Shade: Now THAT I admit was very silly.  
  
Emma: You got that right.  
  
(a Native American walks in)  
  
Native American: We at the reserve called Olga, 'Bear With Wide Canyon'.  
  
Solidus: And that means...?  
  
Native American: It means that she was a slut.  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about stupid jokes that have nothing to do with this fic. Some was about... the Vietnam War.  
  
(cut to Ocelot and Olga in the middle of a jungle- each carries an M16)  
  
Olga: Where the hell are we?  
  
Ocelot: Didn't you just read the above description? We're in the middle of a jungle! And we're surrounded.  
  
Olga: Surrounded? By who?  
  
Ocelot: By them. The Charlies. The Viet-Cong.  
  
Olga: Where are they?  
  
Ocelot: That's the problem. You can't see them. They're the invisible enemy.  
  
Olga: So how do we find them?  
  
Ocelot: Well, where CAN'T you see them?  
  
Olga: Umm... (looks around) I can't see them over there. Or there. And come to think of it (turns around) I can't see them there either.  
  
Ocelot: You know what this means.  
  
Olga: What?  
  
Ocelot: We're surrounded.  
  
Olga: So, what do we do now?  
  
Ocelot: How about we spend our last few moments alive exploring every part of the Kama Sutra?  
  
Olga: Alright then.  
  
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)  
  
Snake: Now that was insane.  
  
Emma: Uh huh.  
  
(Snake stares at the Robot)  
  
Snake: Gonna crack a joke at me, Robot?  
  
Robot: No.  
  
Snake: Really? Why not?  
  
Robot: Normally I would, but I don't wanna overload your lil' pea brain mind.  
  
(everyone laughs)  
  
Snake: (raises fist at Robot) Blasted machine!  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about the Vietnam War, which was all because of the paranioa of the American government over the issue of Communism, which completely goes against the American Capitalist ideal. Some was about game shows.  
  
(cut to a stage- seen are Olga, Ocelot, Snake and Otacon)  
  
Host: Welcome to 'Truth or Date!' I'm your host, Rooty McRoot! Today our lovely questioneer is... Olga! And I don't know her last name!  
  
[Shades Note: If you send me an e-mail OR (preferably) leave a review telling me where I got the inspiration for this next skit, you win a special prize. And no, it's not a Sega Dreamcast.]  
  
Olga: Hi Rooty McRoot!  
  
Host: And our male bachelors are... (Ocelot waves) Contestant No.1 is Revolver Ocelot, he has a degree in sharp shooting! Say hi Ocelot!  
  
Ocelot: The name's Shalashaska.  
  
Host: Ok, our next guest is... (Snake nods upwards) Contestant No.2 is Solid Snake, he has a degree in killing people, and he says he loves children. Because they taste like chicken.  
  
Snake: Yeah, whatever.  
  
Host: And Contestent No.3 is Otacon, he loves Italian cuisine and is studying for a degree in Family Curses! Say hi!  
  
Otacon: Hi. (pushes glasses up his nose)  
  
Host: Ok Olga, begin the questions!  
  
Olga: Ok. Contestant No.1, if you and me were going to a movie, what type of movie would you show me?  
  
Ocelot: Well... I would take you to a movie which had plenty of shooting in it. Such as Red Sun, or any other spaghetti western.   
  
Olga: O..............K. Contestent No.2-  
  
Snake: Can you call me the second contestent 'cause Contesent No.2 sounds so formal.  
  
Olga: O............K. Second Contestant-  
  
Snake: That sounds so much better!  
  
Olga: Yeah, so if you and I were making whoopee-  
  
Snake: What the hell is whoopee?  
  
Olga: Umm... you know, if we were having an intimate moment-  
  
Snake: What, like f*cking?  
  
(Audience gasps)  
  
Olga: Umm... yes. Well, if we were... you know... what noises would you make?  
  
Snake: (thinks) Woof woof woof OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (aka a wolf call) Nah, that question is just to  
  
personal.   
  
(audience is laughing)  
  
Olga: Ok, Contestant No.3, if we went on a date, where would you take me?   
  
Otacon: Well, to start off I would pick you up, and we would walk to a nearby Italian restraunt where we would chat and share a big plate of spaggetti, and finally we would walk on the beach and drink some fine wine.  
  
Snake: Bull-f*cking-sh*t!  
  
(audience gasps)  
  
Snake: Oh come on. (in a mocking Otacon voice) I would get some fine wine...  
  
Olga: Ok... Contestant No.1, have you ever hurt someone close to you?  
  
Ocelot: Maybe you have when you went on this show without even telling your boyfriend. Maybe he has feelings too!  
  
Olga: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Contestant No.3, do you love animals?  
  
Otacon: Why yes, yes I do-  
  
Snake: Hey, when are you going to stop talking to gay boy over here and ask me a question?!?  
  
Otacon: I'm not gay!  
  
Snake: Oh, so you're a gay basher now. You make me sick.  
  
Otacon: I don't hate gays!  
  
Snake: So now you're gay!  
  
Otacon: Yes- I mean no!  
  
Snake: You either love 'em or ya bash 'em!  
  
Otacon: I love them- no wait...  
  
Snake: Dipsh*t.  
  
Olga: Ok, second contestant, if you took me on a plane trip, where would you take me?  
  
Snake: You know, that reminds me of my cousin Walt. This one time, he was on a plane, travelling to New York when suddenly one of the engines goes out. The plane starts to go into a nose dive, so he figures that hes gonna die so he whips out his dick and starts masturbating. Then everyone else sees this, realizes the same thing and everyone on the plane whips out or unzips their pants to get to their features and just do it! Then all of a sudden, (clicks his fingers) the engines snap back on and the plane lands safely. Everyone gets off the plane. No one mentions this phenomenon again.  
  
(audience is silent)  
  
Otacon: Well? Did he cum?  
  
Snake: (disgusted) Jesus man, there are just some things you don't talk about on national TV! (pulls out a SOCOM) And I don't   
  
like that!  
  
(We watch the studio from the outside as a shot is fired and hundreds of people scream)  
  
(cut to everyone but Ocelot and Olga)  
  
Snake: Funnie.  
  
Solidus: Damn the Patriots, that was funny.  
  
Fortune: Yes! I get another line!  
  
Sephiroth-02-01: I'm back? Yes! Now I get to discuss all the hard-hitting issues with the characters of this-  
  
Raiden: Shutup and kiss me, you fool.  
  
Sephiroth-02-01: Right-o then. (he and Raiden start making out)  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was sick and twisted. Some was... sicker. And more twisted.  
  
(cut to Snake walking into the coffee room. As he enters, he notices that in side is Ocelot wearing his shirt and womens garters. Behind a desk is Olga, who is in the same attire as Ocelot, but she's wearing a tank top. On the desk is a huge pile of money)  
  
Olga: Ah, hello Snake.  
  
Snake: Umm...  
  
Ocelot: You're probably wondering why we're both standing here with no pants on, and about the huge pile of money on this desk.  
  
Snake: Well, actually-  
  
Olga: But I can assure you this has NOTHING to do with the Patriots.  
  
Snake: I came here to tell you that you're next scene has been cancelled.  
  
Ocelot: Ah.  
  
Snake: Bye. (walks out and closes the door)  
  
Olga: Shall we get back to it then?  
  
Ocelot: Righty-o.  
  
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)  
  
Rose: Well, it's nearly the end of the fic. But I feel that something is missing...  
  
Vamp: Me too...  
  
Shade: Shit! I nearly forgot.  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about the Patriots.  
  
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!  
  
Narrator: Some was about... selling out.  
  
(cut to a small girl sitting drawing at a table)  
  
Ocelot (Voice Over): You're a sad and lonely child, aren't you?  
  
(girl nods)  
  
Ocelot (VO): And you feel there's something missing in your life, don't you?  
  
(girl nods, then thinks)  
  
Olga (VO): Then you need a McSolidus plastic toy!  
  
(a crudely assembled toy appears in the girls hands- she smiles)  
  
Olga (VO): When you buy a McSolidus Ecstatic Meal you will get a cheap plastic toy with limited functionality!  
  
(a whole bunch of these toys appear on the desk- girl grins)  
  
Ocelot (VO): A different toy will be available every day for the next three months at all Mr Snaffleburger restaurants and once you own them all you can begin collectin the next set! HOORAY!  
  
(the girl now has several other children around her)  
  
Olga (VO) McSolidus Ecstatic Meal toys make you happy and popular!  
  
Small Child: We love you for your toy! Come play with us!  
  
(the other children are replaced with the girls mother and father- the toys are now in the fathers hands and he is shaking his head)  
  
Ocelot: Remember kids, if your parents don't want you to have these, then they're probably terrorists.  
  
(the mother now have turbans and beards- the toys have been replaced with an AK47)  
  
(cut to George Bush and Tony Blair)  
  
Narrator: And now it's time for George and Tony's look on pictures of the war.  
  
(shown is a picture of a large missile in flight)  
  
George: See?! I told you! They have weapons that can cause destruction and terror from miles away!  
  
Tony: Umm, George, those are what we've been launching at Baghdad. It's completly different.  
  
Narrator: And that's it for this episode of Behind The Game. Join us next time as we talk about Fatman and Emma. Remember the contest! 


	8. Opinions Of Emma and Fatman

Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty  
  
Part 8  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Metal Gear Solid. If I did, do you think I'd still be writing all this shit?! I'd be over in Tokyo working on MGS3! By the way, remember to purchase my new book:  
  
'How To Rip Off TV, Movies and Flash Animation and Make It Look Original' by Shade Wolf  
  
Narrator: Welcome to Behind The Game. This time we take a look at how everyone felt about Emma, and how everyone felt about that fat, ugly, nail-polish wearing bastard named Fatman.  
  
(cut to everyone but Solidus, Emma and Fatman)  
  
Otacon: Hold on, why aren't I doing this episode?! I'm Emmas brother for christsakes!  
  
Snake: Quiet, you.  
  
Narrator: Now then, remember how there was a contest last week?  
  
Raiden: YES! Did I win?  
  
Narrator: ... No. But our good friend, UK Renegade, did.  
  
(everything goes black, and a spotlight shines on the door)  
  
Narrator: This time is dedicated to whatever he wishes. What big questions will he ask? What big issues will he bring up? Let's welcome UK Renegade!  
  
(door flys open, UK Renegade runs out)  
  
UK Renegade: POTATO PIE! (flings a pie at Raiden- it splats right in his face)  
  
Raiden: Delicous.  
  
UK Renegade: (runs over to Fortune and squeezes her breasts) Honk honk!  
  
Snake: Hey, I'll join in! (runs over and starts squeezing Fortunes breasts) Honk honk!  
  
Fortune: Normally I would kill both of them.  
  
Liquid: What's stopping you?  
  
Fortune: Remember we all signed that contract saying that the guest could do anything he wanted?  
  
Liquid: Oh yeah. (looks around) Where's Solidus?  
  
Vamp: Why do you ask?  
  
Liquid: Because right about two lines ago he would've said "Damn the Patriots!"  
  
Meryl: Oh yeah. I sent him away.  
  
Liquid: Why?  
  
Meryl: Because he's crazy.  
  
(cut to Solidus hunched in a dark corner)  
  
Solidus: Why don't they believe in the Patriots? Are they blind? Blind as a Genome Soldier if you ask me... they all call me crazy, but I'm not crazy!  
  
(UK Renegade walks in)  
  
Solidus: I'm not crazy! I'll show them crazy! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NOT CRAZY!  
  
(UK Renegade smacks Solidus across the face)  
  
Solidus: (shaking head) Thanks, man. I lost control. (looks up at UK Renegade) C'mon, let's go fishing!  
  
(UK Renegade exits)  
  
Solidus: (talking softly to himself) You're next... (pulls out his katana) bait. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)  
  
Snake: Man, I love squeezing Fortunes titties.  
  
Meryl: Remember Emma's slumber party?  
  
Snake: Boy, do I! I recorded the entire thing! (waves video tape around)  
  
Raiden: Actually, I recorded over that.  
  
Snake: WHAT?!  
  
Raiden: Hey, I had to get a tape of Triple A.  
  
Fortune: Ew. But, moving back, I remember that...  
  
(cut to Emma, Fortune and Meryl sitting on the floor in nighties. Vamp is lying on the bed)  
  
Fortune: So Emma, tell the truth! Do you have a crush on Raiden?  
  
Emma: I'm not telling you...  
  
Meryl: Aww, c'mon!  
  
Fortune: Spill the beans, girl!  
  
Emma: (blushing) Yes...  
  
Fortune and Meryl: (giggle)  
  
Emma: What? You all do!  
  
Fortune: (stares dreamily into space) Oh yeah...  
  
Meryl: Right. (turns to Vamp) So what about you, Vamp? Any secret crushes?  
  
Vamp: Me and Liquid used to be an item. But he turned traitorous... I slit his throat and left him naked in a ditch! Now he is nothing to me. Whenever I think about it I just... (tears welling) I, I just... (starts crying)  
  
Fortune: Aww.  
  
Vamp: (wipes tears from eyes, and grabs a big box of choclates) Oh. whenever I get upset I eat! (starts gorging on the chocolates) Mmgrammgaw! (stops eating)  
  
Emma: Poor Vampy.  
  
Vamp: (puts chocolates down) I'm sorry, I lost control. (wipes nose) Say, (eyes turn evil and stares lustfilly at the girls necks) I've got an idea thats to DIE for!  
  
Meryl: Umm, ok...  
  
Vamp: (grabs boombox) LET'S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!  
  
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)  
  
Raiden: (pointing his arse in Snakes face) Does my butt look big in this?  
  
Snake: Please get your arse outta my face before I shoot it.  
  
Vamp: Please, bring your arse over here...  
  
Liquid: Vamp!  
  
Vamp: What? He means nothing to me!  
  
Liquid: (slaps Vamp) Talk to me when you're done flirting with your boyfriend! (glares at Raiden) By the way, your butt is so huge, it rivals Fatmans. (storms out)  
  
Vamp: (gets up) Wait, Liquid! Snuggle-bunny! (runs after Liquid)  
  
Snake: Snuggle bunny?  
  
Raiden: Wait, I thought I was Vamps snuggle-bunny!  
  
Otacon: I'm your snuggle-bunny!  
  
Raiden: Oh yeah. (pause) You know, I bet that Snakes room is empty.  
  
Otacon: Let's go.  
  
(Raiden and Otacon run out)  
  
Colonel: No, wait! I brought various sex toys! (pursues Raiden)  
  
Snake: Heh heh heh, those crazy kids. (dawns on him) Holy shit. I just cleaned my room! (runs after Otacon) OTACON!  
  
Solidus: Wait, Snake! You didn't finish reading my report, 'The Influence On Multi-racial Social Economics Caused By The Patriots'! (runs after Snake)  
  
(Meryls phone rings)  
  
Meryl: (into phone) Hello? WHAT?! (starts crying) No! No... (hangs up phone)  
  
Fortune: What?  
  
Meryl: My favourite store has only one pair of shoes left!  
  
Olga: Sweet Jesus, to Snakes Pimp-Mobile!  
  
(Olga, Meryl, Sniper Wolf, Rose and Fortune run out)  
  
Vulcan Raven: (looks around and notices that only him, Psycho Mantis and Ocelot are still there) Ugh, I'm leaving. (walks out)  
  
Ocelot: What an oaf.  
  
Mantis: I concur.  
  
Ocelot: Shall we get back to it?  
  
Mantis: ... Yes. (he and Ocelot start making out)  
  
Narrator: Eww... I mean, not all of it was stupid and just to fill in space. Some of it was about... movie parodies.  
  
(cut to a black screen)  
  
Voice Over: (sounds like the standard movie voice) This summer, we bring to you a group of heros. A group who try their best to ensure that the future is safe for all humankind. And this team is...  
  
(Snake, Liquid, Solidus, Otacon, Raiden, Emma, Fortune, Vamp, Fatman, Revolver Ocelot, UK Renegade and Sea Man)  
  
Voice Over: The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men and Women.  
  
(camera moves to Snake)  
  
Voice Over: Solid Snake, with the ability to infiltrate anywhere, anytime. And say two words in the funniest way ever.  
  
Snake: Metal Gear?!  
  
(camera moves to Liquid)  
  
Voice Over: Liquid Snake, with the ability to rant on about genetic experiments in a gay English accent.  
  
Liquid: GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!  
  
(camera moves to Solidus)  
  
Voice Over: Solidus Snake, with the ability to be completely paranoid about a non-existant group of people.  
  
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!  
  
(camera moves to Otacon)  
  
Voice Over: Hal Emmerich, with the ability to pee his pants in any confined space.  
  
Otacon: That's a low blow, voice over.  
  
(camera moves to Raiden)  
  
Voice Over: Raiden, with the ability to get his ass fucked into a bleeding mess.  
  
Raiden: Did you say nerd?  
  
(camera moves to Emma)  
  
Voice Over: Emma Emmerich, with the ability to fantasise about Raiden 24/7.  
  
Emma: (masturbating) Mmm, Raiden...  
  
(camera moves to Fortune)  
  
Voice Over: Fortune, the token black chick.  
  
Fortune: Yo homie, I pity the foo' what don't read Shade Wolfs fanfiction.  
  
(camera moves to Vamp)  
  
Voice Over: Vamp, the bisexual vampire.  
  
Vamp: (jerking off) Mmm, Raiden...  
  
(camera moves to Fatman)  
  
Voice Over: Fatman, with the ability to be a fat asshole who enjoys jamming bombs up his ass.  
  
Fatman: Laugh and grow fat.  
  
(camera moves to Ocelot)  
  
Voice Over: Revolver Ocelot, the token Russian traitor.  
  
Ocelot: I'm impotent.  
  
(camera moves to UK Renegade)  
  
Voice Over: UK Renegade, with the abiltity to throw potato pies and squeeze Fortunes titties.  
  
UK Renegade: POTATO PIE! (squeezes Fortunes breasts) Honk honk!  
  
(camera moves to Sea Man)  
  
Voice Over: And finally, with the ability to communicate with fish, Semen.  
  
(everyone laughs)  
  
Seaman: It's SEA MAN!  
  
Voice Over: That's what I said, Semen.  
  
(everyone laughs)  
  
Voice Over: Heh heh heh... I mean... Coming soon to a theater near you. From the same guys who brought you such masterpieces as 'The Darkness Trilogy' and 'Johnny Sasaki Finally Gets Laid'.  
  
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)  
  
Snake: That was stupid.  
  
Fortune: Keep in mind that that was probably the only original thing in this entire episode.  
  
Snake: Now that's just sad.  
  
Otacon: (reading the script to this episode) Hold on, another might be coming up.  
  
Snake: I see. Is it crap?  
  
Otacon: It has it's moments.  
  
Raiden: And a hotplate!  
  
(silence)  
  
Raiden: I mean... (switches on boombox; old dance music switches on. He starts dancing like a man in one of those old black and white musicals) LOOKIT ME! I'M DANCING, CRAZY!  
  
Meryl: That was odd.  
  
Hideo Kojima: Hey, don't look at me. I'm not the one who smokes the wacky tobaccy.  
  
Shade: Quiet, you.  
  
Snake: Huh. (looks at Fortune) Darlin', if the body is a temple, then you're my new religon.  
  
Robot: Then the first of your priestly duties is an oath of celibacy.  
  
Fortune: Good call, robot!  
  
Snake: (raises fist in anger) Blasted machine! (turns back to Fortune) Baby, you and me are meant to be together, like the moon and the stars.  
  
Robot: Then move away a little, you're a couple of billion miles to close.  
  
Fortune: That was a good one, robot!  
  
Snake: (raises fist in anger) Blasted machine!  
  
Robot: C'mon Snake. You can do better.  
  
Snake: I bet you couldn't get it on with her.  
  
Robot: Watch this. (turns to Fortune) Baby, my magical watch says that you're not wearing any panties. My bad, it's an hour to fast.  
  
Fortune: Ooh, robot! (starts making out with the robot)  
  
Snake: (raises fist in anger) BLASTED MACHINE!  
  
Narrator: Man, I need that robot to give me some pointers. Anyway, not all of it was about bad pick-up lines. Some of it was about... bad sketches.  
  
(cut to Shade standing around. Snake runs in, covered in bleeding sword wounds)  
  
Shade: So? What did Grey Fox say?  
  
Snake: I think he said no.  
  
Shade: Really?!  
  
Snake: YES REALLY! Though I'm not sure what my first clue was, but after he slashed me up he said "Only a complete nimrod would do you're asking". Then he slashed me up again.  
  
Shade: I really had my heart set on this.  
  
Snake: I know. But if it's any consolation, I just got 5 litres of new blood pumped into me by an emergency crew.  
  
Shade: To bad Ocelot's still in hospital after last episodes inital sketch.  
  
Snake: Yeah, too bad... WAIT! What about Raiden?  
  
Shade: Well, let's ask him.  
  
(fade out- fade in to see Shade and Snake talking to Raiden)  
  
Shade: Ok, Raiden, you know what we want you to do?  
  
Raiden: Yeah, sounds like fun!  
  
Shade: Uhm... Yeah, I suppose you would think so. Anyway, we'll get out of here so you can get to it.  
  
(Shade and Snake exit)  
  
Raiden: Alright, here goes!  
  
(everything goes black- suddenly, a disco ball lowers from the roof and the floor starts flashing random colours. Raiden starts disco dancing to the song 'Staying Alive')  
  
Song: (while Raiden does the finger pointing dance)  
  
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,   
  
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.   
  
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around   
  
since I was born.   
  
  
  
(Raiden changes to start moonwalking and pointing fingers)  
  
Song: And now it's all right. It's OK.   
  
And you may look the other way.   
  
We can try to understand   
  
the New York Times' effect on man.   
  
(Raiden starts doing the swim)  
  
Song:Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,   
  
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.   
  
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',   
  
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.   
  
(suddenly, the disco ball smashes open and several imps jump out and start attacking Raiden)  
  
Raiden: AH! MY EYES!  
  
Song: (now very high pitched)  
  
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.   
  
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiive.  
  
Aliiiiiive... alive!  
  
(camera moves over to Shade and Snake, who are standing about a metre or two from the area with the flashing floors)  
  
Shade: Did you put those imps in there?  
  
Snake: Me? I thought it was you! (pause) So, uh, what was with that anyway?  
  
Shade: Well, it would've made more sense if Grey Fox had done it.  
  
Snake: How so?  
  
Shade: Staying Alive? After he was crushed by Metal Gear Rex?! C'mon, it's genius!  
  
Snake: Maybe on some other planet, but unfortunatly, this is earth.  
  
Shade: EGADS, YOU'RE RIGHT! Quickly, to the rocketship! (runs off)  
  
Snake: ANd he claims he doesn't need any medication... (he follows Shade- rocketship is seen blasting off)  
  
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)  
  
Otacon: How was that relevant to the subjects of this episode?  
  
Ocelot: I can't believe you took part in that, Snake.  
  
Snake: He gave me a nice amount of Fortune porn for it.  
  
Ocelot: Good point.  
  
Olga: How about some porn of me?  
  
Snake: Please, I have a better game.  
  
Otacon: How about this one? Cat is to kitten, as dog is to...  
  
Raiden: Moo cow?  
  
Otacon: ... No.  
  
Meryl: Ooh! Puppy!  
  
Otacon: Right! Now, for a tougher one... Tom Hanks is to had a lead role in Saving Private Ryan, as Solid Snake is to...  
  
(silence)  
  
Solidus: No idea.  
  
Otacon: Solid Snake is to has a Directors Cut of Shaving Ryans Privates.  
  
(silence)  
  
Snake: Not cool, Otacon.  
  
Fortune: Too far, man. Too far.  
  
Narrator: I thought it was funny.  
  
UK Renegade: POTATO PIE!  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was stupid. Some was about Emma and Fatman selling out.  
  
(cut to Emma and Fatman standing alongside a pile of CDs)  
  
Emma: (turns to camera) Oh, hiya! You know, Fatman...  
  
Fatman: Yes, Emma?  
  
Emma: You know, I can never find a good CD to listen to.  
  
Fatman: Good CD. Funnie.  
  
Emma: But right now, you can buy... umm... what is it we're selling again?  
  
Fatman: Fruit laxatives.  
  
Emma: Then why didn't you say that before I started going on about the CDs?  
  
Fatman: I do so enjoy CDs. Far more then laxatives.  
  
Emma: Where are the laxatives?  
  
Fatman: I ate one. Found out what it was. Then I gave the rest to Solid Snake.  
  
(Solid Snake is seen running past, tearing at his sneaking suit)  
  
Snake: WHY DOESN'T THIS THING HAVE A ZIP?! OH GOD! (shits his pants) NOT AGAIN! (runs off)  
  
Emma: (pause) That was pretty funny.  
  
Fatman: How about a little time off... from laxatives!  
  
Emma: Shutup.  
  
Fatman: Aww.  
  
(cut to Ronin Syaoran and Fade Wolfius)  
  
Ronin: (reading Lone Wolf and Cub) Screw you, dude.  
  
Fade: HIRE DYNASTY WARRIORS 3, DAMMIT! (beats Shade over the head with a katana)  
  
Ronin: Didn't you die?  
  
Fade: Damn, forgot about that. (fades out of existance)  
  
Ronin: Stupid bastard.  
  
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)  
  
Snake: Is it over yet?  
  
Ocelot: Nearly.  
  
Fortune: Not close enough.  
  
Narrator: Only a couple of lines left.  
  
UK Renegade: POTAT- (gets chucked into the Reviewers Pit)  
  
(cut to Reviewers Pit. UK Renegade lands in the middle of a big circle of reviewers)  
  
Kat: Damn, it isn't Gollum.  
  
Sepiroth: I got kissed by Raiden.  
  
Pablosky: Whatchoo talkin' about, Sepiroth?  
  
(cut to everyone but Emma and Raiden)  
  
Solidus: Let's go.  
  
Narrator: And now, we end this episode of Behind The Game. Join us next time as we humiliate Otacon and Johnny Sasaki. Bye. 


	9. Opinions of Otacon and Johnny Sasaki

Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty  
  
Part Nine  
  
Narrator: Welcome to the ninth instalment of Behind The Game. In this episode, we go behind the scenes and show you all sorts of crazy stuff people thought about Otacon and Johnny Sasaki.  
  
(cut to Raiden)  
  
Raiden: Otacon? Yeah, I know him. I used to think he was a robot.  
  
(cut to Raiden talking to Johnny Sasaki)  
  
Johnny: What to do you mean, Otacon's a robot?  
  
Raiden: I know it's crazy, but it's true.  
  
Johnny: How can you tell?  
  
Raiden: Well, a robot can't express laughter, sadness or love.  
  
Johnny: How can you prove this?  
  
Raiden: OTACON!  
  
(Otacon runs on)  
  
Otacon: Yes?  
  
Raiden: Johnny just told me the funniest joke! It was hilarious!  
  
Otacon: (blandly) Is this true, Johnny? Was it hilarious?  
  
Johnny: Umm, yeah...  
  
Raiden: It was! Tell it to him, Johnny!  
  
Johnny: Umm, err... How do you make a hormone?  
  
Otacon: ... I have no idea.  
  
Johnny: Kick her in the guts! WHAHAHAHAHA! Get it? Hormone? Whore moan? HAHAHAHA! (wipes tears from his eyes)  
  
Otacon: ... Get back to work. (he walks off)  
  
Raiden: See? Not even a chuckle!  
  
Johnny: What about sadness?  
  
Raiden: OTACON!  
  
(Otacon walks over)  
  
Otacon: Yes?  
  
Raiden: Well... (starts crying) Johnny's father never hugged him! (wipes eyes) Isn't that sad?  
  
Otacon: (pause) Yes. I suppose it is rather sad. (walks off)  
  
Raiden: See! No tears! No sniff!  
  
Johnny: I'll have you know that my father loved me very much!  
  
Raiden: Speaking of that... OTACON!  
  
(Otacon walks over)  
  
Otacon: What now?  
  
Raiden: Johnny just told me that he loves you.  
  
(silence)  
  
Otacon: Get back to work.  
  
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)  
  
Snake: Johnny? Why is he in this?  
  
Fortune: We're running out of characters. And I think the author is running out of ideas.  
  
Shade: (reading Simpsons and Kevin Smith film scripts) Tell me about it...  
  
Raiden: I was in that sketch!  
  
Solidus: No shit, Sherlock.  
  
(Sherlock Holmes runs in)  
  
Holmes: Somebody call?  
  
Liquid: OCELOT HAS BEEN MURDERED!!!  
  
Ocelot: No I haven't.  
  
Liquid: Oops, five seconds early...  
  
(an axe is thrown from OC and hits Ocelot in the back, killing him)  
  
Ocelot: Rosebud... (he collapses to the floor)  
  
Sherlock: EGADS! A murder! I best solve it!  
  
Watson: Good idea, Holmes!  
  
Sherlock: 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA!!! Now go get me a lager, and a syringe of heroin.  
  
Watson: Right-o, Mr Holmes... (he waddles off)  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was a stupid reference to a character created by the literary works of one Sir Conan Doyle, which has been severely changed by the stereotypes of the average middle-aged British man. Some of it was about... Johnny's life story.  
  
(cut to Johnny and Otacon)  
  
Johnny: Did I tell you about the time I went to college?  
  
Otacon: You?  
  
Johnny: Yes. Me.   
  
Otacon: I didn't know you could take an honours degree in shitting..  
  
Johnny: If you must know, I was training to be a guide dog for the blind.  
  
Otacon: A guide dog?!  
  
Johnny: All the other courses were full.  
  
Otacon: No, sorry, makes no sense whatsoever.  
  
Johnny: Well, I was doing alright, until...the accident.  
  
Otacon: You were in an accident?  
  
Johnny: I was doing my first year practical exam with a partially sighted lady from Leicestershire. I got her half way across town without a single bump when we reached this zebra crossing...  
  
Otacon: Go on...  
  
Johnny: I'm not sure that I can. It's very painful to tell.  
  
Otacon: Actually, it's very painful to listen to...  
  
Johnny: So, we were at the crossing when suddenly, down the road, I saw Kasha, a particularly attractive Brazilian girl from the third year.  
  
Otacon: In being a guide dog.  
  
Johnny: Will you let me continue? Anyway, she was very attractive...  
  
Otacon: And...?  
  
Johnny: You must understand that I had a tremendous respect for her...  
  
Otacon: i.e. you were trying to get into her pants...  
  
Johnny: ... For twelve months solid, yes, so I took my chance and popped over to see her. The blind lady didn't seem to notice, so I thought she'd be okay for a moment.  
  
Otacon: But...  
  
Johnny: At that precise moment, the local grocery delivery van had the one and only mechanical failure in its otherwise unblemished seventeen-year history. Right on the zebra crossing. By the time I got back, there was low-fat yoghurt and body parts all over the place...  
  
Otacon: What did you do?  
  
Johnny: Well, I tried to bury what was left of her, didn't I? And I'd have got away with it if I hadn't left that bastard white stick poking out of the ground.   
  
Otacon: I'm surprised they didn't have you put in jail for manslaughter.  
  
Johnny: Ah, well they tried to. But I was rescued from the police pound.  
  
Otacon: You were taken to the pound?  
  
Johnny: YES! I was wearing the guide-dogs leash and harness at the time.  
  
Otacon: How could the police mistake you for a dog?!  
  
Johnny: I was in New York at the time.  
  
Otacon: So...?  
  
Johnny: I said I was a human. The NYPD kinda beat the shit outta me to make me confess that I was really an animal.  
  
Otacon: Ouch.  
  
Johnny: I was in there for three weeks. Those bastard Pomeranians beat me up and bullied me, until one day I vented out my rage and threw them all into the Rottweilers cell.  
  
Otacon: Why didn't the NYPD just kill you after that incident?  
  
Johnny: They thought that the painters had done a new job, turned the place from green to red.  
  
Otacon: Eww.  
  
Johnny: But soon, I was rescued...  
  
Otacon: So, you were rescued by Animal Liberation people?  
  
Johnny: In an almost military-style operation, they effected my escape and took me back to their secret base in the woods. For the next three years we went on a series of thrilling adventures together.  
  
Otacon: What sort of adventures?  
  
Johnny: Well, there was the time we rescued those children from the mine...  
  
Otacon: The mine, yes...  
  
Johnny: The day we smashed an international drugs cartel operating out of Columbia...  
  
Otacon: Yes...  
  
Johnny: And one memorable weekend where we chaired a secret peace initiative between members of the Israeli government and the Palestine Liberation Organization. Eventually, though, I had to be rescued again. This time by the RSPCA.  
  
Otacon: Why?  
  
Johnny: It was Claire. She started... touching me in unusual places.  
  
Otacon: Such as?  
  
Johnny: The kitchen, on the landing and in the shed. It was about this time I lost my ability to talk to cute girls without shitting my pants.  
  
Otacon: You're making this up, aren't you.  
  
Johnny: (pause)... Yes.  
  
Otacon: You know, I think you are possibly the most irritating person I have ever met.  
  
(Liquid walks in)  
  
Liquid: GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!  
  
Otacon: I stand corrected.  
  
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)  
  
Snake: That was pretty funny.  
  
Solidus: You do realise that no one cares what you think, as you're nothing but a puppet conforming to the author?  
  
Snake: (drools at mouth) Kill... Solidus...  
  
Fortune: So, what happens now?  
  
Emma: Remember how in that episode about Olga and Ocelot, and how there was that obscenely large skit about Ocelot being charged for murder?  
  
Raiden: How ironic that this week it was HE who was murdered.  
  
Liquid: That is the first sane thing you've ever said.  
  
Raiden: Potato pie?  
  
Emma: Oh, you're so funny! (starts saddling Raiden) Wanna go up to my room and make me scream in a high note from pleasure?  
  
Raiden: Did you say nerd?  
  
Fortune: But what happens now?  
  
Emma: Oh, we're in for ANOTHER obscenely long sketch. Probably ripped off from something else.  
  
Raiden: (reads his script) Looks like I have to say something smart as an intro to the damn thing...  
  
Snake: That word, 'smart', doesn't sound right when it comes from you...  
  
Raiden: (turns to camera) Greed is a terrible thing. It can consume you like a huge, fierce animal with long pointy teeth and sharp claws.   
  
Greed can creep up behind you in a dark alleyway, and touch you very gently and suggestively on the leg in a way that you're not entirely comfortable with.  
  
Greed can lure you into an closet, push you up against the wall, and roughly have its wicked way with you. And greed will never call you afterwards, or even offer to buy you a coffee.  
  
The greediest man in history was probably King Midas, who turned everything that he touched to solid gold. Sadly, this meant that King Midas was never able to "touch himself" in any way.   
  
Did I tell you that I like to drink my own urine?  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was stupid. Some of it was about obscenely long sketches.  
  
(cut to Snake and Otacon. Otacon is sitting, watching Snake, what appears to be, fucking the floor)  
  
Otacon: Do you plan to continue humping the floorboards for much longer?  
  
Snake: Fuck off!  
  
Otacon: There is very little future in a sexual relationship with an inanimate object.   
  
Snake: Listen, shithead, I am not humping the floorboards! I'm burying something.  
  
Otacon: How stupid of me. Of course you are. And what exactly are you burying?   
  
Snake: Not that it's any of your fucking business, but if you must know I am burying a shitload of porn before my mother comes over.   
  
Otacon: Porn? Oh how very passé. What sort of porn?  
  
Snake: If you don't shut up, it'll be some of yours!  
  
Otacon: Why don't you bury it in the garden? That's much better, and easier.  
  
Snake: It's raining.   
  
Otacon: Oh.  
  
Snake: So I'm burying the fucking stuff under the floorboards. Do you have a problem with that???  
  
Otacon: There's no need to shout.  
  
Snake: I AM NOT SHOUTING!!!  
  
Otacon: (QUIETLY) Cock knocker!  
  
Snake: What?  
  
Otacon: Nothing.  
  
(Snakes eyes go wide)  
  
Snake: Hello... what's this?  
  
(Snake throws a suitcase on the table; dust flies everywhere)  
  
Otacon: A suitcase... What's inside it?  
  
Snake: Hmm.... (Snake concentrates really hard) No...sorry; I can't tell you without opening it first.  
  
Otacon: Open it then.... Oh, damn! It's got a combination lock….  
  
Snake: It'll be zero, zero, zero, zero then.  
  
Otacon: What?   
  
Snake: The combination. Zero, zero, zero, zero.  
  
Otacon: How do you know that?   
  
Snake: It's always zero, zero, zero, zero. It's the only four-digit combination anyone can ever remember.  
  
Otacon: Are you sure?  
  
Snake: Does Olga's pussy taste like chicken?  
  
Otacon: I wouldn't know.  
  
Snake: Rhetorical question. Right... (Snake starts putting in the combination) Zero...zero....zero... fuck!   
  
Otacon: Well?  
  
Snake: Must be 1-2-3-4… (he tries again) Nope.  
  
Otacon: 4-3-2-1?  
  
Snake: Err... no.  
  
Otacon: Fuck. How many combinations are there of four numbers from 1 to 9?  
  
Snake: Eleven? I dunno. Billions probably.   
  
Otacon: So, are you going to carry on randomly trying combinations until you grow old and die, or...?  
  
Snake: Or what..?  
  
Otacon: Or are you going to try and come up with an intelligent solution to the problem?  
  
Snake: Intelligent. Hmm...  
  
(screen fades out; it fades back in, and Snake is hitting the suitcase with a sledgehammer)  
  
Otacon: You have been hitting that case for 3 hours now…  
  
Snake: I know!   
  
Otacon: Do you think it's time to consider an alternative approach?  
  
Snake: No. Mindless brute force and violence is the solution to everything.   
  
(Snake carries on hitting the case; the lock flies off)  
  
Snake: There you go. Told you.   
  
(they open the lid of the case. It is full of neatly packed $100 notes. They stare in awe at the contents)  
  
Otacon: Oh... my... God!  
  
Snake: Fuck! There must be thousands in there...!  
  
(Johnny walks on)  
  
Johnny: Howsit guys! What are you doing?  
  
(Snake slams the case shut)  
  
Snake: Nothing!   
  
Johnny: What's in the case?  
  
Otacon: What case?  
  
Johnny: Can I have a look?  
  
(Snake and Otacon go into a huddle and start whispering)  
  
Otacon: What the hell are we going to do now?  
  
Snake: Well, we can't let him find out about the money. We'd have to share it with the bastard.   
  
Otacon: What we need is a cover story so brilliant that he'll never be tempted to look inside the case...  
  
Snake: And that would be..?  
  
Otacon: I can't think of one.  
  
Snake: So, it's agreed, then?  
  
Otacon: Yes. We'll have to kill the bastard.  
  
Snake: Shall we do it now?  
  
Otacon: No time to lose. Give me the hammer.  
  
(when they look up they see that both Johnny and the case have gone)  
  
Otacon: He's gone. And so has the case...  
  
Snake: Fuck!  
  
(Emma wanders in)  
  
Emma: Is something wrong?  
  
Otacon: What? No. Why would there be anything wrong?  
  
Emma: Only, I thought I saw the guy who shits himself running away with what looked like a suitcase.  
  
(pause)   
  
Otacon: Would you excuse us for a moment?  
  
(Snake and Otacon go into a huddle)  
  
Otacon: I think you know what I'm going to say next.  
  
Snake: Yeah. Of course I do. (pause) What?  
  
Otacon: We're going to have to kill Emma as well.  
  
Snake: Who's going to do it?  
  
Otacon: I'll toss you for it.  
  
Snake: Got a coin?  
  
Otacon: No.  
  
Snake: Fuck.  
  
Otacon: We'll have to try something else.  
  
(they break the huddle; Otacon turns to Emma)  
  
Otacon: I'm afraid you'll have to leave immediately, because the house...is haunted… and may fall down at any moment! (BEAT) Assuming that the rare strain of bubonic plague present in the u-bend under sink doesn't kill us first.  
  
Emma: Are you two up to something?  
  
Otacon: No. Absolutely, definitely not.  
  
Johnny (OC): Fuck me!  
  
Snake: What was that?  
  
Emma: Well, I'm only guessing, but it sounded to me like a guy who shits himself who has just discovered several hundred thousand dollars stuffed inside a suitcase.  
  
Otacon: It might have been the central heating coming on.  
  
Johnny (OC): Fuck! Fuck! I'm rich! I'm rich!! Praise God Almighty!  
  
(pause)  
  
Otacon: Definitely the radiators. Come on Snake, we have to go and check the boiler...in the kitchen.  
  
Snake: Ooh, can we have a sandwich while we're in there? I haven't eaten for ten minutes... (they both move into the kitchen)  
  
(Johnny has scattered money everywhere)  
  
Johnny: Hey, guys. Look what I found. The case is full of cash!  
  
Otacon: Stay away from it! The money is ours. We found it first.  
  
Snake: Actually, I found it. Under the floorboards.  
  
Otacon: We both found it.  
  
Snake: Fuck off! It was also my precision scientific methodology that got the case open...  
  
Otacon: Snake, you wouldn't know scientific methodology if it stuck its tongue down your throat and dry-shagged you on the back seat of a Mustang.  
  
Johnny: So, how are we going to spend it, guys? How about a loft extension. Or maybe a little Jacuzzi?  
  
(Snake grabs Johnny's throat)  
  
Snake: You know what? I'm going to pull your arms off, cover them in barbecue sauce, and feed them to your arse.  
  
Johnny: What are you trying to say?  
  
Emma (OC): Excuse me, is everything alright in there!  
  
Johnny: Help! Help!   
  
Snake: Shut up, fuck nut!  
  
(Snake headbutts Johnny)  
  
Otacon: Good. Now lets get rid of Emma...  
  
Snake: How?  
  
Otacon: Use your imagination!   
  
(Snake begins to walk out of the room)  
  
Otacon: He's gone. The gullible fool! And now that money will be mine; all mine... Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
  
Snake: Excuse me.  
  
Otacon: What?  
  
Snake: I haven't gone yet!  
  
Otacon: Sorry, ours. The money will be "ours". All ours. You and me - we'll share it. I promise, old friend...  
  
Snake: What was all that laughing?   
  
Otacon: Go away.  
  
(screen fades out; fades in, we see Otacon and Johnny in conference)  
  
Otacon: ...And so we split the money fifty-fifty. Agreed?  
  
Johnny: Agreed.  
  
Otacon: Good. All we have to do is wait until Snake's asleep, tie him up, then gently carry him into the laundry and drown him in the washing machine.   
  
Johnny: On which setting?  
  
Otacon: Sixty degrees I think. Colourfast cottons.  
  
Johnny: I like it. It's clever. It's quick. It's...  
  
Otacon: Clean?  
  
Johnny: Clean, yes.   
  
Otacon: I'll meet you back here at two a.m.  
  
(screen fades out; fades in, we see Snake and Johnny in conference)  
  
Snake: ...And so we split the money fifty-fifty. Is that fair?  
  
Johnny: Reckon it is, Snake.  
  
Snake: Okay, here's the plan. We'll wait until he's asleep, then we creep into the living room and cut off his head and his legs with an electric carving knife.  
  
Johnny: Then what?  
  
Snake: We put his head in the freezer, and the rest of him in the fridge.  
  
Johnny: Where in the fridge?  
  
Snake: Good question - I like the way you're thinking. His body can go in the salad drawer, and his legs can go in that little milk carton holder on the inside of the door.  
  
Johnny: With the milk.  
  
Snake: With the milk, yes.  
  
(pause)  
  
Johnny: Where are we going to put the yoghurt?  
  
Snake: The yoghurt can go on that little shelf at the bottom of the fridge.  
  
Johnny: I thought his arms were going in there.  
  
Snake: No, they're going in the salad compartment.  
  
Johnny: What shall we do with the iceberg lettuce?  
  
Snake: We'll put that in a little Tupperware container on the top shelf.  
  
Johnny: Right.   
  
Snake: I'll meet you back here at 2am...  
  
(fade out; fade in, Johnny stands in the darkened living room holding the suitcase)  
  
Johnny: Dum de dum...  
  
(Otacon and Snake appear from either side of the room; one carrying a rope, the latter an electric carving knife. Suddenly, Johnny switches on the light)  
  
Johnny: Hi, guys! Before everyone starts killing everyone else, I have some good news and some bad news.  
  
Snake: What?  
  
Johnny: The bad news is that all the cash is gone.   
  
Otacon: Gone???  
  
Johnny: I gave it to charity.   
  
Snake: Charity??  
  
Johnny: Yeah. I just couldn't bear to see it tearing us apart. Everyone was talking about killing everyone else. It was horrible. I just wanted us all to be friends again.  
  
Otacon: Which charity?  
  
Johnny: Oh, Emma was at the window rattling a tin for some charity or other. So I gave her the lot. She needed a hundred and fifty collection tins to stuff it all in.   
  
Otacon: That thieving little bitch!   
  
Johnny: Now, I think what is called for is a group hug to reaffirm our friendship. What do you think, guys?  
  
(Snake and Otacon stare at each other for a moment, then leap upon Johnny and start beating him into a pulp)  
  
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)  
  
Solidus: That was far, far too long.  
  
Raiden: Wang.  
  
Solidus: Shut it.  
  
Snake: So... that's about it...  
  
Fortune: We still have to do their little selling out bit.  
  
Liquid: Shit...  
  
(cut to Otacon and Johnny, who are both standing next to a TV)  
  
Otacon: Hi friends. We're here to advertise our new exercise videos.  
  
Johnny: That we are!  
  
Otacon: Shutup. Watch the tape...  
  
(camera zooms in on the TV. On it, Otacon and Johnny are sitting on comfortable chairs)  
  
Otacon: Alright guys, today we're doing sit-ups!  
  
Johnny: Let's go!  
  
Otacon: LIE DOWN!  
  
Johnny: Sit up!  
  
Otacon: LIE DOWN!  
  
Johnny: Sit up!  
  
Otacon: (picks up a pizza box, opens it and grabs a slice of pizza from inside) LIE DOWN!  
  
Johnny: (grabs a piece of his own) Sit up!  
  
Otacon: (chewing on pizza) Mwie lown!  
  
Johnny: (also eating pizza) Gwit nup!  
  
(camera zooms out, showing Otacon and Johnny standing next to the TV)  
  
Otacon: Good stuff... buy many copies now!  
  
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)  
  
Snake: So, did we find out who killed Ocelot?  
  
Holmes: Yes I did! It was none other then... (points finger at Olga) OLGA!  
  
(police run in and grab Olga)  
  
Snake: Now let's find out who you REALLY are... (grabs Olgas face and rips off a mask to reveal some old man)  
  
Snake, Fortune, Raiden, Emma, and Solidus: MR.TURBULCIS?  
  
Mr.Turbulcis: I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!  
  
Solidus: Take him away, boys! (eats a huge sandwich)  
  
Raiden: Grood rone Rhaggy.  
  
Narrator: And thats it for this episode of Behind the Game. Join us next time for... ummm... leave a review and tell me who I've left out. I'll do 'em next time. Bye! 


	10. Episode From My Life

So, my friend Morgan and I were hanging around on the computer, when I had to take a shit.  
  
So, I left for a second, and when I returned, I went on with my daily search for asian porn. (Note to self: Edit out all asian porn references)  
  
Next day, I went onto my laptop, checked my e-mail and found this, from the author 'duofan', about a review I supposedly gave for her fic 'A Soldier's Life'. Here it is, with various comments inserted in [...]:  
  
"Dear reader.  
  
[The name's Simon, girly]  
  
I understand that you didn't like my fanfic but you made me feel so deteriorating during my weekend at Mont Tremblant.  
  
[I did what now?]  
  
I'm pretty sure you are aware that even writers have editors and correctors to correct their works. So you shouldn't be critisizing people for their hard work even if mine didn't match your status of age.  
  
[Yeah, I'm quite ancient compared to you young whipper-snappers]  
  
Everybody has their own sense of humour and if you didn't understand any of my works. You shouldn't complain.  
  
[I understood it perfectly! Did I complain? At least, I didn't TELL you my complaints...]  
  
I read your fanfics earlier and I didn't even complain for your awful works of Metal Gear.   
  
[Man, that burns. But wait, I admit mine are awful. Where's the insult?]  
  
It is people like you that we invented the proverb: '' Avoir des batons dans les roues.''  
  
[Hmm, French, eh? How about this for size: "Vous mangez la merde"]  
  
I hope you understand this and that I will not have to interfere with you in the future.  
  
[Ooh, I'm so scared. Whatcha going to do, come over to my place and kick my immature white arse?]  
  
Duofan"  
  
Only after I read this e-mail (and wrote my terrible comeback), I checked her reviews and found this lil' doozy, written by, apparently, me:  
  
"The following is an attempt to express my feelings of this fiction without causing offence:  
  
I @M +hE M0NK3Y! i W1pE MY SmEllY 4ND P00 C4kEd @R53 4LL oVER ThIS pi3C3 oF d0NkEY $h1+! I C4mE Up Wi+H bE+tEr Pl0t lIN35 Dur1n9 M4R4+h0n J3RK $E5$1ON$ +O +eh mOd3l$ IN THE 53@R5 c4TAlO9E! $H1+ p1$5 MCphUCk$4Lo+!  
  
*cough* Well, that being said, I'll move onto my calm review.  
  
First off, your spelling and grammatical errors make me cry. And not in a good way.  
  
The humor is... flat, at times. The cat was a stroke of genious, and I'll give you that as a compliment.  
  
All in all, I would rate this as three and a roast duck.  
  
Follow the white rabbit."  
  
As soon as I read 'Follow the white rabbit', I knew my friend Morgan wrote that review. But I agree about the cat. Man that cat rocks. I pity da foo' what don't like da cat what looks like Raiden.  
  
So, I wrote her an e-mail that went something like this:  
  
"oh, shit!   
  
that wasn't actually me that reviewed your work.   
  
my friend, morgan, uses my name to review stuff.   
  
i am *so* sorry for any offence he may have caused. I'll try my best to remove it, if I can.   
  
again, I sincerely apologise for any and all offence he has caused.   
  
apologetically yours,   
  
Simon Wolf"  
  
But, I didn't MEAN any of those apologies. Maybe the first two, but after that, none of 'em were real apologies.  
  
So, next day, after looking for asian porn, I found this lil' reply in my inbox:  
  
"Apology accepted and tell your friend to be more carefull in the futur.  
  
[Huh... so Morgan was right about the spelling and grammatical errors...]  
  
Duofan"  
  
And that's my story.  
  
Then I had sex with one of my best female asian friends.  
  
But that's a different story altogether.  
  
The moral of this story is this: Never eat raspberries.  
  
Your friend,  
  
Simon Wolf  
  
AKA That strange guy who pokes you with a stick in your sleep 


	11. The Fun Finally Ends

Shade: Guys and gals, I am SO sorry for failing on my promise of delivering this last Sunday. Then again, I'm sorry you even read my stuff. Anyway, I've been kinda busy lately, and I'm kinda hoping on doing something with someone else, instead of doing this shit on my own. So, if you have any questions, comments, or offers to join me in writing a new fic, drop me a line at my main e-mail (you can check it on my bio).  
  
Anyway, I've had many a sleepless night lately, so I realized this episode would be nothing but purely improvised crap. Then I remembered that that perfectly describes this shit.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
(we fade into Shade Wolf, the author, tied to a chair in front of masked members of the Metal Gear Solid Fanfiction community)  
  
Shade: So, masked strangers, why am I here?  
  
Masked #4: You're here because you're a lazy bastard who prefers to work on sprite comics then fanfiction.  
  
Shade: Why are you here?  
  
Masked #1: We're here because of your refusal to continue work on Behind The Game.  
  
Shade: And...?  
  
Masked #2: We're giving you an offer.  
  
Shade: Oh? How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call.  
  
Masked #3: We have no time for Matrix parodies, Mr. Wolf. Your choice is this. Either continue work on Behind The Game...  
  
Shade: Yes...?  
  
Masked #4: (beckons at a baseball bat) Or we go inform the police about the tragic incident whereupon you had this baseball bat lodged in your scrotum.  
  
Shade: Hmm...  
  
Masked #1: Well?  
  
Shade: Well, I do value my scrotum.  
  
Masked #2: So, it's a deal.  
  
Shade: Sure. Bring me a laptop.  
  
(Masked #3 brings a laptop over, Notepad already running)  
  
Shade: Good. But, show me your faces.  
  
Masked #4: Right then.  
  
(as they tear off their masks...)  
  
WELCOME TO SIMON WOLFS COMPUTER  
  
C:\Documents and Settings\wolfs\My Documents\Almost Nothing But Porn\Stuff That Isn't Porn\Stuff That Isn't Plans For Getting Some Action With A Porn Star\Metal Gear Solid Stuff\Crappy Fanfiction That Isn't Mei Ling Hentai\Behind The Game\Chapter 10\Run_Credits.exe  
  
'Run Credits.exe' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.  
  
Blasted machine!  
  
'Blasted Machine!' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.  
  
Urge to kill... rising...  
  
  
  
Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty  
  
Part X  
  
  
  
Narrator: Welcome to the tenth episode of Behind The Game MGS2, and possibly the last, as 21st Century Fox has cut our funding. In this episode, we present to you some failed 'spin-offs' on the series, with discussions about them by the cast. First up, the failed 'Vital Information with Solid Snake'...  
  
(fade out; fade in on Solid Snake)  
  
Snake: Welcome to Vital Information. Y'know, there are hundreds of times during the day when you should be playing Sons Of Liberty. Like red lights. Those things are red for at least a minute, there's one strut already!  
  
(cut to Otacon playing on a computer)  
  
Snake V/O: And when you're respawning in CounterStrike...  
  
Otacon: (to computer) Alright, dead again! (reaches over and grabs his PS2 controller)  
  
(cut to Snake and Sephiroth-02-01)  
  
Snake V/O: And when you talk to someone REALLY boring.  
  
Sephiroth-02-01: Well, I'm 15, Canadian, and an author on fanfiction.net.  
  
Snake: (playing Sons Of Liberty, and ignoring Sephiroth-02-01) Yeah yeah, that's FASCINATING. Now where's that ration...  
  
(cut to Snake)  
  
Snake: There you have it. Three times you really should be playing Sons Of Liberty. Next weeks Vital Information is on things you really should be doing instead of talking to fanfiction writers.  
  
(fade out; fade in on everyone)  
  
Liquid: Heh heh heh, that was a total rip of something.  
  
Raiden: Everything in Shade Wolf fics are ripped off something. Except that girl.  
  
(cut to Blackraven)  
  
Blackraven: (singing to a picture of Snakes wang) Did you ever know that you're my hero?  
  
(A/N: Wang means penis.)  
  
(cut back to everyone)  
  
Solidus: Yep. That was not ripped.  
  
Snake: My wang!  
  
Otacon: Shut up about your wang.  
  
Mei Ling: Remember ancient Chinese quote! "If you pull your wang out in public, make sure that it's warm."  
  
Ocelot: What has to be warm?  
  
Mei Ling: Uh... Ignorant gaijin! Do not ask the meaning of such quotes!  
  
Ocelot: But I-  
  
Mei Ling: Ancient secret!  
  
Snake: Yeah. My wang does rock.  
  
Narrator: But not everything was crap and about wangs. Some was aboot... the other part of the male genitalia. And leprechauns.  
  
(cut to Snake and Otacon)  
  
Snake: Man, I sure love St. Patricks day.  
  
(Otacon, who is wearing a green labcoat, pinches Snake)  
  
Snake: What was that for?!  
  
Otacon: It's St. Patricks day. And you ain't wearing green.  
  
Snake: My socks, genius. (pulls up leggings of suit to show green socks)  
  
Otacon: Oh, ok. What does this mean?  
  
(a leprechaun holding a pair of rusty hedge clippers pops up)  
  
Leprechaun: Eet means I'm goin' to be needin' yer balls, me good lad.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Snake wearing a green sneaking suit, and Otacon wearing normal clothes)  
  
Snake: Oh Otacon...  
  
(Snake pinches Otacon)  
  
Otacon: You shouldn't have done that... (pulls down pants to reveal green boxer shorts)  
  
Snake: Oh.  
  
(the leprechaun pops up, holding the hedgeclippers)  
  
Snake: Aww, nuts.  
  
Voice Over: That ends todays episode of 'Us And The Leprechauns'. Stay tuned for the terrible TV version of 'The Mis-Adventures Of Unit Foxhound'.  
  
(cut to everyone)  
  
Otacon: Did I even get paid for that?  
  
Snake: Wasn't getting your balls back payment enough?  
  
Otacon: Hold on... you got your balls back?  
  
(long silence)  
  
Fortune: So, what made up crap is on next?  
  
Liquid: (reads a piece of paper) Uh, a parody of 'jackass' entitled 'lameass'.  
  
Fortune: Lameass?  
  
(cut to a black screen with 'lameass' in white printed on it. Then it cuts to Snake wearing a white t-shirt and blue jeans)  
  
Snake: Lameass, yeah!  
  
(fade to everyone in an underground carpark)  
  
Solidus: Yeah, I know Snake has only two fears. The first is going inside a garbage bin and being rolled down a huge incline inside an underground carpark. The second fear is having a midget shoved up his arse. So when we all came up to him and said he'd be going inside a garbage can and rolled down a carpark, it was like Liquid had come over with a midget and said "Hey, me and dwarfy here are going to have some fun."  
  
(Snake, with a helmet on his head, is shoved inside a garbage can)  
  
Snake: Woo, doing this for lameass!  
  
V/O: But something has gone terribly wrong.  
  
Snake: (writhing in pain on the ground) Oh god, guys, it's my funny bone, ow, it hurts! (tears streaming from his eyes)  
  
(everyone else is backing away)  
  
Snake: Oh man, it hurts, it hurts!  
  
(cut to everyone)  
  
Vamp: Heh heh heh... I enjoy pain.  
  
Liquid: Yeah. But why'd they bring dwarfy into this?  
  
Solidus: No idea.  
  
Raiden: LAMEASS! WOO!  
  
Rose: Uh, what's next?  
  
Olga: Something like the first bit, except it explains things out.  
  
Emma: Damn.  
  
Snake: My line!  
  
(cut to Snake in front of a pie chart)  
  
Snake: Hi there. I'm that guy who's being over-used in this episode. Now then, welcome to 'Why Is That So?', a show where we answer various questions. First question comes from Kat UK who asks, "Dear Shade Wolf, why don't you update your fics more often?" An excellent question, Kat.  
  
(points at pie chart)   
  
Snake: The main reason is time. Shade's life is filled with all sorts of crap, as shown on this sophisticated chart here. As you can see, 5% of his time is taken up by school, 5% is eating and going poopies, and 80% is taken up by looking for asian porn. The other 10% is spent spending money he steals from old women.  
  
(fade to Shade sleeping on his laptop)  
  
Snake V/O: All of this leaves him very tired when it comes time to write some fanfiction for the hungry masses. But he also has a second job. For he is...  
  
(fade to Shade standing on a rooftop, his silhouette against the moon. We zoom in, and we see him wearing a ninja suit)  
  
Snake V/O: IPPIKIOOKAMI! Defender of the poor, attacker of the masses and preserver of insanity. If he was writing fanfiction all the time, who would defend us from evil? The Swiss Navy? I think not.  
  
(fade to Snake standing next to Shade in his ninja costume)  
  
Snake: That, and he's a lazy bastard.  
  
Shade: You know Snake? You of course can go fuck yourself.  
  
(cut to everyone)  
  
Ronin: Yep, that was another self-referential piece of shit used to fill in space.  
  
Battleshield: AHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! (bashes Ronin over the head with a baseball bat)  
  
Ronin: Damn you Darkness In The Light! (runs away)  
  
Ocelot: (smoking a cigarette) Dear God, the authour needs help.  
  
Raiden: Like a cameo from another author, who we proceed to insult and hopefully make out with?  
  
Ocelot: Hmm... yes.  
  
Fatman: Remember that time when we made fun of, like, every reviewer we have?  
  
Raiden: All I can remember is Mike Meechans soft, moist lips caressing my own, my sweet vanilla breath mixed with his tangy odour. Oh, I remember that night we spent together in Morocco, not a care in the world, where we made love under the moonlight and wrote sonnets to each other under the gaze of the evil hamster overlords.  
  
(long silence)  
  
Solidus: So, uh, has anyone here though about, you know, if aliens existed, could humans have sex with 'em?  
  
Snake: WHAT?! The Galgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth! Do you really expect us to have sex with that?!  
  
(long silence number three)  
  
Snake: You guys suck.  
  
Narrator: But not all of it was about insulting Mike Meechan. Some was about... insulting another authour.  
  
(cut to Shade)  
  
Shade: Well, as most fanfiction does, it's time to read out a review. Here's an edited one from Pablosky *ahem*... 'Great chapter Shade. I want you to put me in as a cameo, as you did with Blackraven.' And who am I to object?  
  
(camera pans to Pablosky tied up to a chair, a bag over his head)  
  
Shade: Well it's your lucky day, Pablosky! We've gotten some of the best hired goo- Er... I mean, welcome crew to bring you here with us.  
  
Pablosky: (gun beside his head) What the hell?! Where am I?! What are you poking me with?!  
  
Shade: Now today you'll be starring alongside a new character around here. Meet Major Payne!  
  
(a huge man wearing a gimps outfit walks onstage)  
  
Payne: Mrrrr...  
  
Pablosky: WHAT?! WHO'S TALKING?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!  
  
Shade: Relax, I'm just kidding Pablosky. He's not really a major. No, I think they kicked him out of the army for various reasons. Something about being a masochist. I'm a little fuzzy on the details...  
  
Payne: (looks down at Pablosky) MMMMM!  
  
Pablosky: WHAT?!?  
  
Shade: Now you two have fun in rehearsal! (turns to camera and points at the readers) So, ANYONE ELSE WANT A CAMEO?!  
  
TheFluffyOne: Well, I was going to ask, but I think I'll pass.  
  
Pablosky O/C: Oh God what are you DOING?! THAT DOESN'T FIT THERE!!! YEEEARGH!!! Oooh... a little to the left, oh yeah...  
  
Payne O/C: Mmmmm...  
  
(cut to everyone)  
  
Vamp: Ah, classic.  
  
Raiden: Guys, did you read that bit at the start about this possibly being the very last episode of this show?!  
  
Liquid: Yeah. Seeing this show go brings that feeling into me. Know what I mean?  
  
Snake: Yeah, it's that feeling you get when you see this really hot chick naked and up close, and you don't exactly get with her, but have her watch while you whack off.  
  
(long silence numero four)  
  
Liquid: Actually, I'm ready to leave this show after that little comment.  
  
Snake: And now for a skit about Satan. Exxxcellent. Yet again, I'm very overused.  
  
(cut to the kitchen. Fatman and Emma are talking)  
  
Emma: Can I ask you a personal question?  
  
Fatman: Ja.  
  
Emma: How did you lose your hair?  
  
Fatman: Well, if you must know, I lost them in a card game.  
  
Emma: What?  
  
Fatman: I bet all my hair on a pair of fours.  
  
Emma: Jesus. What kind of degenerate card player would call in a bet like that?  
  
(Snake wanders in)   
  
Snake: Er... That would be me.  
  
Emma: Snake?  
  
Snake: What?  
  
Emma: You are a complete bastard.  
  
Snake: Oh. Thanks very much.  
  
Emma: Don't mention it.  
  
Fatman: Anyone fancy a game of strip poker?  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Snake walking around in circles while Otacon tries to read a book)  
  
Snake: "Amen ever and ever for glory the and… amen ever and ever for glory the and power..."  
  
(Otacon glances up at Snake)  
  
Otacon: Excuse me… What are you doing?  
  
Snake: What does it sound like? I am reciting the Lord's prayer backwards in order to conjure up the devil.  
  
Otacon: Oh good, because for a moment I thought you might be doing something incredibly stupid…  
  
Snake: I'm bored. "Amen ever and ever..."  
  
Otacon: Stop it!  
  
Snake: What?  
  
Otacon: For fuck's sake stop it! Have you any idea what will happen if you conjure up Satan?  
  
Snake: No. That's why I'm doing it. . "Amen ever and ever..."  
  
Otacon: You are tampering with dark forces that are way beyond your understanding. You are dealing with Beelzebub! The Beast! The Horned Son of The Jackal. The Anti-Christ! You are unleashing evil on a scale that is unimaginable!  
  
(pause)  
  
Snake: "Amen ever and ever for glory the and power..."  
  
Otacon: Stop it! For God's sake stop it!  
  
Snake: Will you fuck off! You never want me to have any fun. And would you mind moving over there.  
  
Otacon: Why?  
  
Snake: You're in my pentangle.  
  
Otacon: Oh, sorry. Trevor, don't you realise that you may be condemning yourself to an eternity burning in the fiery furnaces of Hell?  
  
Snake: Not necessarily.  
  
Otacon: What do you mean?  
  
(Snake reveals a crude diagram from under the table)  
  
Snake: Well, I have here a flow-chart showing the various levels of Hell. Think of it as a sort of run-down Trust House Forte Hotel.   
  
Otacon: Hotel…  
  
Snake: Up here on the second floor you've got yer un-baptized, enjoying natural bliss, undercooked junk food and the occasional Jacuzzi.   
  
Otacon: Yes...  
  
Snake: Here on the first floor you've got yer "in limbo" brigade: those who died before the birth of Christ, those awaiting redemption, oh and independent financial advisors. In the ground floor lobby and bar you've got yer minor offences. Aggravated burglary, parking tickets, that sort of thing.   
  
Otacon: Uh huh?  
  
Snake: And down here in the basement you've got yer place of agonising punishment for all mortals who die unrepentant of serious sin... Oh, and for people who work in HR departments.  
  
Otacon: I see.  
  
Snake: Now, you will notice that I do not qualify for any of these categories.  
  
Otacon: Not technically, no. But that doesn't mean that you will escape purgatory.  
  
Snake: Well, according to the Second Council of Constantinople in 553AD, I think you'll find it does!   
  
Otacon: But what about the more radical thinkers of the Renaissance?  
  
Snake: Fuck 'em!  
  
(Raiden bounces in)  
  
Raiden: Hey guys! What's happening?  
  
Otacon: Trevor seems intent on inviting Satan The Prince of Darkness into our home.  
  
(pause)  
  
Raiden: Well, it'll be nice to have a new face around here. Shall I set another place for dinner?  
  
Snake: Good idea!  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Emma sitting on a toilet)  
  
Emma: I've had another letter from my boyfriend Vince. He stowed away on the overnight steam packet to Marseilles a couple of weeks ago. Now he's living in a smoked-filled attic room above a commune of alcoholic post-impressionists in Montmartre. Last time he did this he was away for 4 years. He came back with 53 giant canvasses of Sacre Coeur, an articulated lorry full of Boursin and a lifetime addiction to Beaujolais Nouveau. When Vince comes back I'm going to kill him by feeding him with moule, dredged from the Thames next to the raw sewage pipes at Chatham Docks…   
  
(fade out; fade in to see Snake walking up to Emma)  
  
Snake: Excuse me…  
  
Emma: What?  
  
Snake: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me out?  
  
Emma: How?  
  
Snake: Only, I've asked the others and they all said no.  
  
Emma: Go on...  
  
Snake: Well, I need to slice open your throat with a big carving knife, drain all the blood out of your body, and then offer you up as a willing sacrifice to the Dark Lord of The Universe?  
  
Emma: Can I have a few moments to think about it?  
  
Snake: Sure. Take as long as you like.  
  
Emma: Hmmmmm. No.   
  
Snake: Fair enough. There's no point trying to force you. 'Cause you have to be a "willing" sacrifice, you see?  
  
Emma: Yes.  
  
Snake: Well, thanks anyway. Sorry to bother you.  
  
Emma: Don't mention it.  
  
(Snake begins to exit, then...)  
  
Snake: I don't suppose you'd just let me carve out your liver and feast upon it?  
  
Emma: What on earth for?  
  
Snake: I haven't had a bite since breakfast. I'm bloody starving...  
  
(A/N: Yes, this bit was in The League. It's all part of a lil' script I wrote for drama.)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Solidus and Mantis talking)  
  
Solidus: ...and of course Alice Cooper used to bite the heads off live chickens.  
  
Mantis: Ugh! That's revolting!  
  
Solidus: Britney Spears nicked the idea.  
  
Mantis: Really?  
  
Solidus: Yes. She'd been doing the chicken eating thing in her act since she was eleven.  
  
Mantis: Britney Spears doesn't really bite the heads off chickens, does she?  
  
Solidus: No, not really.  
  
(pause)  
  
Solidus: She uses pigeons.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Snake and Otacon standing in the kitchen. The kitchen itself is filled with candles)  
  
Snake: I don't understand it. I've said the Lord's Prayer backwards about fifty times now, and The Devil hasn't shown up yet.  
  
Otacon: (humouring Snake) Perhaps you're missing something.  
  
Snake: Like what?   
  
Otacon: Sufficient brain activity to power a forty watt bulb?  
  
Snake: I've sworn homage and obedience to Satan. I've got me candles. I've anointed myself with magical oil... And I've got the number 666 tattooed on the back of my head!  
  
Otacon: Let me see.  
  
(Otacon stares at the back of Snakes head)  
  
Otacon: You cocksucker, it doesn't say 666. It says 999.  
  
Snake: Fuck.  
  
Otacon: You've got more chance of summoning a British paramedic than The Lord of Darkness...  
  
Snake: I'll murder that tattooist.  
  
Otacon: So, what do you plan to do now?  
  
Snake: Well, according to Ezekiel 38, we must now await the arrival of Gog and Magog.  
  
Otacon: Gog?  
  
Snake: Two great hostile powers controlled by Satan that will appear just before the end of the world.   
  
Otacon: What form do these two demons Gog and Magog take?  
  
Snake: Well, I'm not absolutely sure, but I think Magog manifests himself in the form of a dense, eerie mist.  
  
Otacon: A fog?  
  
Snake: Yeah.   
  
Otacon: Magog is a fog.  
  
Snake: Yeah.   
  
Otacon: And Gog?  
  
Snake: Gog appears as the Hound of Satan.  
  
Otacon: A dog?  
  
Snake: Yeah.   
  
Otacon: Gog is a dog?  
  
Snake: Yeah.  
  
Otacon: Gog is a fog, and Magog is a dog.  
  
Snake: No. Magog is a fog, and Gog is a dog. Revelation Verse 103. In later Rabbinic literature, Gog is also identified as "The Sow of Beelzebub".  
  
Otacon: In other words, a hog?  
  
Snake: Yeah.  
  
Otacon: Gog is a hog?  
  
Snake: Yeah.  
  
Otacon: But you said Gog was a dog. Is Gog a hog or a dog?  
  
Snake: Now I'm confused.  
  
Otacon: Magog is a fog, and Gog is either a hog or a dog? And where do these accursed creatures live?   
  
Snake: L.A.  
  
Otacon: *sigh* So, when do you expect the devil to turn up?   
  
Snake: Should be any minute now...  
  
(fade out; fade in to see all of the candles pretty much burned to nothing.)  
  
Snake: Well, I expect he's got a lot of things to do a Friday night.  
  
Otacon: Like what?  
  
Snake: Well, like plotting the downfall of Western civilisation?  
  
Otacon: Yes...  
  
Snake: Vandalising a cemetery, communing with a thousand angry demons? I believe he has been known to "copulate with a hyena"?  
  
Otacon: On the other hand, he might have just popped down the bar to pick up some cheap slut.  
  
(fade out; fade in on Raiden sitting on the couch)  
  
Raiden: Beelzebub is a welcome guest in the homes of many top celebrities. Film actor Tom Cruise, for example, regularly makes human sacrifices on a specially built alter at his beach house. Leonardo Di Caprio feasts on the blood of young Filipino virgins, and Cher has a vast bottomless pit of fire in her guest bedroom. No-one really knows what The Devil looks like. Some say that he has the upper torso of a man, and the legs and genitalia of a hideous and deformed goat. Others say he looks like John Travolta. I think I once saw Satan buying a copy of FHM at a local newstand. But I might have been mistaken. It could have been Playboy... I think there's a little bit of the devil living inside all of us. At least, that's what the voices in my head tell me. They also tell me to drink my own urine?  
  
(fade out; fade in on Emma and Raiden standing next to a fishbowl. The fish itself is very dead, though Raiden seems oblivious to this)  
  
Raiden: I've been thinking.  
  
Emma: Mm?  
  
Raiden: About our little fishy friend.  
  
Emma: Hmm?  
  
Raiden: Well, I was wondering if we should get him baptised?  
  
Emma: Baptised?  
  
Raiden: Ja. In order to protect his little soul from the forces of evil.  
  
(pause)  
  
Emma: Are you sure it isn't a little late for that?  
  
Raiden: What do you mean?  
  
Emma: Well, I haven't seen him move for about six weeks now.  
  
(pause)  
  
Raiden: Sssssshhhhhh! He's asleep.  
  
Emma: (humouring Raiden) Yes of course he is. (pause) I wonder how we might go about baptising a goldfish?  
  
Raiden: I'll go look it up on the internet...  
  
(fade out; fade in to hear the sound of a low growling mixed with the speeded-up voices of a million tortured souls. Snakes head is revolving at a very high speed)  
  
Otacon: Will you stop doing that!  
  
(Snake stops)  
  
Snake: Sorry.  
  
(there is a crash of thunder. Snake and Otacon look up and begin trembling with fear)  
  
Otacon: Well, I hope you are pleased with yourself! You have conjured up the Dark Lord.   
  
Snake: I thought he'd be taller.  
  
Otacon: What was the missing ingredient in your spell?  
  
Snake: A turnip.  
  
Otacon: A turnip? A TURNIP??? You are saying that Satan is attracted by certain root vegetables?  
  
Snake: Particularly turnips, yeah. It goes back to the Middle Ages apparently.  
  
Otacon: And what do you suggest we do now?  
  
Snake: Well, I suggest that you wait in here and keep an eye on Beelzebub.  
  
Otacon: And where will you be?  
  
Snake: I'll be in the kitchen...   
  
Otacon: Doing what?  
  
Snake: Copulating with a hyena...  
  
(fade out; fade in on Raiden standing over the dead fish bowl)  
  
Raiden: We thank you for the water of baptism, which refreshes and cleanses the goldfish bowl of life... Through water you led the little fishes from captivity to freedom in the promised land. Therefore, I baptise you, little fishy friend in the name of the Father, the son and-  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
(cut to Shade on a couch, surrounded by hot scantily-clad women)  
  
Shade: Yep, that's it, I believe. In the famous words of some guy I never really liked, 'So long, and thanks for all the fish.' Now it's time for me to have my daily all over body rub.  
  
(Shade gets up and pulls a random book of a huge bookshelf. The book is entitled 'A History Of Porn, Volume 1')  
  
Shade: (to camera) But is this really the end of Behind The Game? At my current rate, yes. But with enough support, perhaps I can pump this crap out more often. But this one has more or less lost it's touch, so I'm looking for new ideas.  
  
(Shade shoves the book down his pants and proceeds to walk past 'Asian Porn Film Studios')  
  
Shade: And what happens now? As I stated at the start of the episode, I really want to do a shared fic with someone. Anyone. I'd do a fic with Princess Serenity if I had to!  
  
(horde of fanfiction writers appear)  
  
Horde Member 1: BURN THE BLASPHEMER!  
  
Horde Member 2: HE SPEAKS IN UNHOLY TONGUES!!!  
  
Shade: I was kidding. Really. But seirously, if you want to do anything with me, apart from sex, unless you're really hot, and a female, drop me a line. Ok? Thanks. 


	12. Thanks And Credits

-THE CHAPTER IN WHICH SHADE GIVES CREDIT TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE EVER HELPED HIM-  
  
Here are the people who, without which, I may never have been able to write all this stuff. This story is dedicated to all of you-  
  
Mum and Dad: You know why.  
  
Sharon Chau, Julia Hugget, Morgan Priestnall, Jessica Maunder, Courtney Chau: Cheers, guys. You've supported me, cheered me on, threatened me with beatings and been there when I need it most. Thanks. I couldn't have done any of my work without you. You guys are just the best.  
  
Everyone else: There are too many of you to mention, but you all know who you are. Anyone who has ever given me the slightest work of encouragement, I'm grateful to you all. But if you're to stupid to figure it out, some of you are Mike Meechan, Sarah (no last name given), Kat and Trent Johnson.  
  
And now, for one of the longest disclaimers... EVER!  
  
Ahem... I do not own Konami, Nintendo, Amanda Bynes, Lara Croft, the literary works of J.R.R Tolkein, the movies of Peter Jackson, LegendaryFrog, Pavarotti, Pamela Anderson, Leonard Nimoy, The Simpsons, Avril Lavinge, Radio Active, Pikanjo, Sean Micallef, Mr. T, Mallrats, Sesame Street, Bon Jovi, Seinfeld, Morgan Priestnall, Kenan & Kel, flash animation hosted on Newgrounds, Cool Runners, old songs, Rugrats, Scrubs, South Park, Coca-Cola, Lost In Space, Greenday, Speed Racer, The New York Times, USA Today, Dogma, Clerks, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Chasing Amy, 8-Bit Theatre, Monopoly, Final Fantasy, Electric de Chocobo Remix, Scarface, Princess Serenity, Blackraven, Invader Zim, American Pie, the Bible, AD&D, Late Night With Conan O'Brien, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, the literary works of Janet Evanovich, Monty Python, Jerry Springer, The Dead Ale Wives, Spongebob Squarepants, I-Mockery.com, Knight Rider, Gary Coleman, The Matrix trilogy, Clerks: The Cartoon, Pets, Incredible Hulk, Matazone, The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Buffy, The Bee Gees, Sherlock Holmes, Penny Arcade, Movie Comics, jackass, VG Cats.  
  
And thats the end. 


End file.
